Connected
by T'Pau Silver
Summary: Integra and Seras start a relationship while Integra is in prison, how will they cope when she's released and can Integra really care for a vampire? Shoujo ai. Anime continuity.
1. Winning the first battle

Title: Winning the first battle

By: T'Pau Silver

Rating: T (apparently, just to be on the safe side)

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Seras/Integra

Disclaimer: Not mine

Words: 301

Written for the Yuri Drabbles livejournal community Challenge: #1 First Kiss

Notes: This is in the anime continuity so it may not fit with the manga, I don't know, I haven't read them yet.

My body's stiff, as hard as a board. She's so near, it almost hurts not to be able to reach out and touch her. But I can't, I don't have that permission. She's not mine, she is the master of my master and I know that's part of the reason I desire her, he immense respect that title gives her in my eyes.

She turns to me slowly and I fear I've stayed too long, stood to close, but for once she didn't look angry, just a little resigned. She always seems to full of energy and power, it's odd to see her like that.

"Integra-sama…" I whisper, the words barely a breath against my lips, but she doesn't seem to hear, or at least doesn't acknowledge. She lifts her hand and lays it on my cheek, watching it brush the skin. I can't help but lean into it a little. She's so warm, so soft. Her hands don't feel like the hands of a woman who could run an institution like this at all.

Then her lips are pressed against mine. Soft and wet. So gentle. I lean into her lips, pressing against them, moving softly. My hand comes to lay on her hip, drawing her towards me slightly and she complies, leaning against me ever so slightly.

The kiss is nice, soft and exploring, but as much as I want it to continue I want an explanation. It's not as though I haven't dreamt about this for so long, but why now? So I can't really say it came to soon when her lips left mine and she took a half step back.

She must have anticipated my question, it must have been written across my face for the whole world to see.

"Why?"

"I'm tired of being alone…"


	2. What do you want?

Title: What do you want?  
By: T'Pau Silver

Rating: T

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Seras/Integra

Disclaimer: Not mine

Words: 238

Writen or the Yuri drabbled livejournal cummunity Challenge: #2 Just Rewards

Sequel to 'Winning the first battle'

"What is it you want?" She asks. I can't help a smile ghosting across my mouth.

"What do you think I want?" I ask her. She's seemed better lately and I'm glad to see my feeble attempt at humour elicit a smile from her. One so strong as my Integra should not be sad.

"I suppose I can imagine…"

"And what does Integra-sama imagine I want?" I ask, sliding against her slightly. She reaches over and lays a far hand on my knee, pressing against me and pushing me back on the bed. I go willingly, laying down as well as I can as she lays out next to me.

Her face is mere inches from mine, I can feel her breath on my cheek and her hand is sliding under my top. My lips pucker slightly in anticipation of hers, of her gifts of kisses that grow more powerful every time she bestows them.

Then suddenly she it tickling me, her hands moving deftly across my stomach and I can't help but squeal and wriggle like a little girl, grins lighting both our faces as she peruses me.

Finally, I manage to make her stop, we are both laughing now and I manage to snag the kiss I wanted as we lay there beside each other, holding each other close and laughing softly.

It's so good so see her happy, I suppose that is my final reward.


	3. Strength

Title: Strength

By: T'Pau Silver

Rating: T

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Seras/Integra

Disclaimer: Not mine

Words: 234

Written for the Yuri Drabbles livejournal community Challenge #3 "We're in this together."

Sequel to "what do you want?"

I have visited Integra-sama many times since the man I still acknowledge as my master taught me how to got to her, how to move to where I want despite physical barriers as he does, and knowing how grave her situation is, I've always tried to make my visits light and enjoyable for her. I have always tried to bring her some joy in this prison, but today is different.

I know that tomorrow the woman I have grown to love will face a jury of her 'peers' who will hear a list of fictitious charges against her, made to protect those with power at her expense. Tomorrow the trial that seals her fate will begin and no amount of playful kissing and animated storytelling with break her out of her mood.

But I go to her just the same, she needs me so I go to her I sit beside her though she doesn't acknowledge me. I say until she tells me curtly that I can go. I don't even try to touch her, I can as good as seem the shell she's built around herself and she'll need it. I simply give her what comfort I can with my presence.

After all, we're in this together now, the two of us against the world. There's no way I'd leave her side so the fate they seal as well as hers is mine.


	4. Verdict

Title: Verdict

By: T'Pau Silver

Rating: PG

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Seras/Integra

Disclaimer: Not mine

Words: 321

Written for the Yuri drabbles luivejournal community Challenge: #4 "Pain"

Sequel to "Strength"

I wasn't there when the brought her back from the trail. It didn't last as long as she'd told me it should. I wanted to be there before her, to be there for her.

When I arrive, she's sat there, seemingly clam, smoking. A cigarette, cheap, it looks wrong in her hands. She glances up as I enter but doesn't acknowledge me, concentrating on the table before her.

I don't want to ask. I can tell now it will be bad. She wouldn't be this shut of if it had gone well. Wouldn't be this cold to me.

"Ten years," she says as it sensing my thoughts. "I am to be held for ten years, with no chance of parole."

I let out a breath, it wasn't so bad. Ten years seemed like a long time but it could have been so much longer, so much harder. I know ten years will hurt her but we can survive then. We knew she would not be allowed to just walk out…

I glance over and her hand is shaking. I listen closely and her breath is uneven.

Maybe I've grown too used to being a vampire. Ten years is nothing to me, it's so much time to her. So much time it's hurting her, I can see that now.

Slowly, I step forward and pull her against me. She makes no move to hold me back, to lean into me, but I can feel her shoulders shake. I know she can't reach out to me now, she's too independent. She's always had to rely on herself and she can't let go of that easily, especially in a time as trying as this.

I look up as the sharp noise of raindrops hitting the window disturbs our relative quiet.

I stand there and watch the rain fall as my Integra sobs in my arms, knowing there's nothing I can do to help her…


	5. Bitter

Title : Bitter

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Seras/Integra

Words: 335

Challenge: **#5 Boys**

I know what has been decided for my master, the sentence she will serve. I know it as soon as she does, such is the nature of our link. I know everything about her, every though that passes through her mind. In a way, the judgment makes me happy. When she is trapped, I am essentially free to do as I will. No more Hellsing institution to serve. I haven't even taken the time to visit her since she rejected my offer.

Some might think I am bitter, refusing to go to her, I'm not. I'm not angry that she rejected me. What I had to offer was simply not what me Master needed at that time.

Still, I didn't expect her to grow so attached to the female officer. I suppose I should have seen it coming. I shall certainly claim to have seen it coming, should anyone question me, but the truth is that I didn't. I didn't anticipate the little mockery of a relationship springing up under my nose, my Master reaching out to the only person available to her and the police girl clinging to my master as if in doing so she can preserve the last vestiges of her humanity.

Some would hear that and think I'm bitter, I'm not. How can I be, everyone got what they want. What they need.

Though, of course, there's no way the police girl can care for my Master in the long run. Their relationship is doomed to fail. My Master is above things like this, and one day she will realise that.

Not that I'm waiting for the opportunity to step in, you understand, but if the opportunity were to present itself…

And the police girl, eventually she will loose her naivety, her humanity. And then she'll have no more use for my master. So I shall teach her. Teach her what it is to be a vampire. I have no other use of my time.

And if I should destroy her…


	6. Trials

Title : Trials

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Seras/Integra

Words: 7036

Summary: A continuation of my drabbles, Integra learns some uncomfortable truths while Seras is locked out.

Notes: I've read it through but as always I am extremely falable with these things so if you do spot typos and such tell me.

It's raining outside. It's driving me crazy, the incessant patter on my window. It's never bothered me before but now it just seems to be mocking me, mocking that I can't do anything about it. Were I free, I could get up and walk away, go to another room, yell at someone, kill something. 

But I just have to sit here, staring at the wall listening to it.

How am I going to survive this? Just being here makes me weak. Frustrated is more like it. I'm stuck here, there's nothing I can do about it, nothing I could have done to avoid it. Stuck here paying for the sins of power hungry men who are afraid to admit to those sins.

I reach out to take a cigarette and, realising my hand is shaking, quickly press it down to the table. I won't show weakness, they'd like that. I've shown too much weakness already.

I can't believe I cried. It's been so long but there wasn't any other damn thing I could do. Destroying things, for once, would only make the situation worse. There wasn't even anyone to yell at.

I've never really been in a situation like that before, one where I've had no control.

Then for Seras to see me like that, for her to see me sat there crying, to dare to touch me when I was like that. Couldn't she have just left? It would have been the polite thing to do. To quietly slip out and pretend she didn't see my shame but she had to stay…seemed to think she had some right to stay.

I'll have to do something about that.

The thought makes me smile. I need to do something about her, to punish her for being so familiar! She's one of the few people I can still reach from this damn prison. One of the few people I can still control.

I need to start using that control. She's getting entirely too familiar and it has to stop.

It's only been three days since the sentence and 4 months, 9 days in total in prison and I'm already loosing myself. How am I going to survive ten years?

I can't think about that now. I force myself to stand and move. Just for the sake of doing something. I walk to the window but the rain is still falling. The window is a tiny pain of glass set a little too high in the wall so I can't really see anything out of it, with bars on the outside. It reminds me, as though I need reminding, exactly where I am.

A surge of anger runs through me and I shake with it. This is all wrong. I need to do something. Something other then sit around and wait.

I force myself to turn from the window, try not to focus on the rain but it seems as the more I try not to listen the more I hear it. I walk quickly to the far wall. Five paces to the wall with the door, where a small bookshelf sits. It holds a few musty volumes, nothing that will hold my interest for long. They hand out books in this place, I suppose it's meant to stop us all going insane, but they don't have anything I'd want to read.

I try to distract myself by moving the few books there about. A bible, King James version. I hold it for a second, the weight reassuring in my hand, then place it against the side of the top shelf. The next book, some sci-fi paperback, is moved to the other side of the same shelf. A couple of murder mystery novels join the sci-fi and the shelf is cleared.

For a second, I consider reorganising it, moving things about, just to give me something to do. Then I consider grabbing the books (excluding the bible of course) and tearing their pages out and throwing them all around.

I'd only have to clean then up then though. Mind you, that could keep my amused for a while. Give the guards something to laugh at anyway, they'd probably thing I've gone crazy.

I don't like this place as much as the last. I suppose I should have mentioned to Seres they were going to move me. Like she can loose me. She need only ask Alucard, he can always find me. This place is smaller, less secure too. They must have decided I'm not so much of a thread as they though. Of course, it's still a high security prison and I aren't to have contact with any of the other prisoners…

At least the judge had some sense. I wouldn't want to be forced to socialise with them anyway.

I force myself to turn again. I look around my cell, the walls are just painted brick, the floor is stone. My bed sits in the same wall as the window and there's a small desk near its head.

This is my world now.

For a second, I think I'm going to cry again, but I manage to suppress it. I won't cry again. I've given them that satisfaction once, they won't have it twice!

I move stiffly to sit where I began, on the bed, my cigarettes just in reach on the desk in front of me.

I take one out and light it. I'm happy to see my hands have stopped shaking.

Small victories.

I take a drag of the cigarette and pause to enjoy it. These are rationed now, that's going to be hard on me. Only one pack a week. Mind you, normal rules don't apply to me. I presume normal prisoners aren't allowed vampires in their cells either.

Thinking of which, where are they. I understand Alucard staying away but what about Seras, she's normally here a lot.

Oh, right, I didn't tell her where they were moving me.

It's not as if I was in much of a talkative mood last time I saw her, unless you count tears as talking. She probably does, sentimental fool.

A surge of anger runs through me again and I push myself of the mattress and start to pace. I don't like this. Well, that's an understatement. I HATE this. I hate the lack of privacy and I hate the loneliness and I hate everything.

I hate not being in control.

A small flap in the bottom of the door opens and food is pushed in. I hate that. It makes me feel like an animal, an exhibit though nobody's staring. It reminds me that I'm only allowed to leave the cell once every other day to shower. There's a small toilet room just beyond the end of the room, I try to ignore it, there's a window in the wall in there so anyone could look in, no privacy. Some small illusions of it, like the wall separating the toilet from the main area, but just illusions.

I suppose that's the point, to make my feel like nothing. I want to ignore the food but I know I'll regret it later if I do. Why have I let myself be reduced to this?

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I'm almost at my wit's end. I've been looking for days and days and still I've no idea where Integra is. I don't understand why she didn't tell me she was being moved! Ok, maybe she was a bit upset the last time we spoke, but still, this is important and she should have told me.

I've tried everything, not even stopping short of grovelling to Alucard, to find her. Like that kind of attention has an effect on Alucard anyway. I asked Walter but he probably genuinely didn't know. He would tell me, wouldn't he? We've become so much closer since all this happened. But Alucard must know. He can just read Integra's mind to find out, for goodness sake. So why won't he tell me?

I need to know so badly.

Alucard must know that too, must be revelling in the fact that he has so much power over my future.

I've only been to see Walter once since I found out Integra has been moved. I know I should probably visit him more as I was in the habit of doing before the trial. He's not fully recovered yet though the Doctors say he's well on the road. Not many people can survive what he did. I make myself helpful when I can, caring for my injured colleagues…it helps me to distract myself, keep myself from looking inwards too much.

After all, how can I worry about myself when most of the people I've ever called friends are dead? When Walter is lying alone in a hospital bed and may not even pull though. I suppose it's bad that I use others suffering like this, but it works.

Either way, I went to Walter first when I discovered Integra was gone. He said he didn't know where she was, and they she hadn't even been in touch with him since she'd been arrested. He'd never mentioned that before. Of course, I told him everything that had been happening. Well, not everything. Nothing about us, Integra and myself, just things like the trial and such. Safe subjects…

Though, in my opinion, he did have something of a knowing twinkle in his eye anyway and I suspect he guessed. That both frightens me and makes me happy at once. Integra-sama would be angry if I told him without her permission and she may not be ready for him to know yet.

I would ask her about it if I could only find her.

When Walter turned out to be a dead end, I tracked down Alucard. He taught me how to use our link to find him some time ago, though I still don't have enough control over the link to touch his mind. I found him and I asked him to help me and he said no…

No…

And he said it with that damn smile on his face. It didn't help my mood at all to know that he could feel exactly how angry that little smile made me. I commanded, I begged, I even cried. He still said no. Gave no reasons, just a no, with that smile…

I really hated him in that moment.

And to be honest, since then, I've not done a lot other then sit around and mope. I know I should get up and do something but I want to go to Integra so badly…

It's been three days since the trial.

I want to see her so much, but maybe I shouldn't even try. If she didn't tell me, there must be a reason. Maybe she told Alucard not to tell me too. Maybe she finds me annoying and is tired of me now, or maybe she needs some alone time, she's always so independent. Maybe I shouldn't have held her when she cried, maybe she's upset that I'll think she's weak and worthless now…

As if I could ever think she was anything less then wonderful.

If only I could read Alucards mind. There has to be a way to do that, doesn't there? To reach into his mind and find what I need, like he looks into mine. Maybe I could even reach my Integra through him, we are both linked to him after all. It's probably hopeless, he's so much stronger then me, but still…

I need some advice, but the only person who can give that is Walter and I can't let him find out about us. He'd want to know why I wanted to track Integra-sama down to badly…

I'm going to have to do this on my own…

But I don't even know where to begin. There's no point sitting here moping about it any more, I need to get out and do something. Tackle some other problems first, then return to this one. That's the best way.

I'll go see Walter. I don't have to say anything to him, just make a social call. I did it all the time until not that long ago. He'll be happy to see me. He's one of the few still in hospital so once I've seen him I can do my washing, I spent wash day moping, then sit down and think about this problem again, that's the best course of action.

I force myself to move out of bed and change my clothes. The things I've been lying there in are hardly appropriate to visit a hospital. Since I missed my cleaning day, I'm all out of clean clothes. I'll just have to make do with the best I have, there are some jeans I only wore once and I've managed not to spill any food on this shirt when I wore it…

I'll do.

I don't realise until I get outside that it's raining. I guess I'm so used to the rain with living in England it didn't even register with me. Or maybe I was just too deep in thought to hear it. Either way, I run back upstairs and grab my raincoat before setting out again. Down the street and around the corner for the first bus, then of that one and a ten minute walk to another line that take me to the hospital. It seems kind of ironic to me that I'm a vampire and I have all these powers but I still have to take the bus.

The hospital staff all know me by name now, I've been there so often, and Trudy, the day nurse on Walter's ward, greets me with a smile. I smile back at her, glad of the little comfort on such a miserable day.

"Hello Seras," she says cheerily and I greet her back. "Before you go in," she says, drawing me of to the side, "I should tell you that Walter isn't feeling to well today. We're afraid he might be getting worse again and we'd all hate that after he's been doing so well. I'm sure seeing you will cheer him up but just be a little careful with him."

"I will," I reply, frowning. Walter does have his bad days as well as his good. It's just part of life, I presume. Some day's he's well enough to go home, others he's so very, very ill. Sometimes I wonder if he's ever going to come out of hospital.

I wave goodbye to Trudy and walk through to Walter. He does look bad today, pasty and tired, but he's awake and has a smile for me as I come in.

"Seras Victoria," he says, cheerily. "Come, sit down. Tell me how you've been, did you find Integra?"

Immediately he goes for the one thing I don't want to talk about. Not that I can blame him. If I were in his condition, it would be the first thing I asked.

"Now yet," I reply, forcing a smile on my face. "Alucard won't help me but I'm sure I'll find her eventually."

"How do you plan on doing that?" he asked me, a look of curiosity on his face. I wish I could tell him but the truth is that I don't know myself. Luckily, he seems to sense this.

"It's fine," he says, the smile still on his face. "I'm sure you'll find her eventually, Seras, a strong friendship has grown up between you, I can see it, I know you'll find her eventually."

"Thank you," I reply with a smile. I wish I had that kind of confidence in me.

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Why hasn't she found me yet? Where on earth is she? I expected her here, annoying me, clinging to me, worshiping me. I didn't expect to have to be alone for this long. Not that I can't be alone, I can, I just don't want to. Why should I have to be alone, she's mean to be here! She's meant to be with me.

Maybe she isn't even looking. Maybe she's glad that I relieved her of the burden of staying with me for these years.

It's only been a week and I'm already going crazy.

I don't need her anyway, don't need anyone. I never have. I just can't stop thinking about her, waiting for her.

On days like this, I hate myself…

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Really, I know I don't have a chance. The very thought that I, being as lowly as I am, could break through into Alucards mind, when all he has to do is glance into mine to know what I'm planning, seems ludicrous. Yet, I know I have to try. I just have to.

Sometimes, desperation makes us strong. I just have to hope that will happen in this case, have to hope my master isn't sat somewhere, laughing at me.

Really, I don't know enough to even attempt this. I know how to locate him but that requires only a light brush of the mind. This is tougher, deeper. Harder.

But even as I think that, I know I'll try everything in my power to make it happen because the alternative, not ever seeing Integra-Sama again, is NOT acceptable.

I wish I could just speak with her for a second, I miss her so badly. In the months since my world fell down, she's become the foundation on which I've rebuilt. I know it sounds corny but it's true. She's the stone on which I've built my entire universe and it would kill me to loose her.

I HAVE to find her. Have to talk to her again, feel her lips on mine.

She must be missing me, there's no way she'd start that kind of relationship with me if she meant to dump me at the first opportunity…

Or maybe I wasn't good enough for her. Maybe I didn't give her what she needed. Maybe I was too pushy, being around when she didn't want it, or maybe I wasn't pushy enough, ignoring her when she wanted my attention. Either way, we're here now. If I ever want and of these questions answered, I need to find her.

Reading Alucards mind is looking increasingly like the only possible way of doing that.

And so, I have to try…

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I expected my master to be glad to see me as I glide through her wall, from her thoughts over the last few days, I'd have anticipated that she would desire any company that would be made available to her, and she hasn't complained at my company before. Not that I've visited her since she became imprisoned.

"Alucard," she says, her voice cold and her body tense. "What is it you want."

"I sensed that your thoughts were disturbed," I say, smiling at her. "I simply wished to be here for you."

"You can leave," she replies abruptly, standing from the bed where she was sat and waking away from me. "I don't need your sympathy and I'm not grateful of it."

My smile deepens. Of course, she wants any company she can have, she is simply mad that I haven't visited her before. An oversight on my part. I didn't understand that maintaining ties to her could be so important.

I reach out and touch her mind now. I know, after we've been connected for so long, she can feel me doing it. She can't stop me thought and I feel her frustration at that coming to me but I easily brush it aside and look past it. She's upset, worried for the police girl, not something I would have expected. She's angry and defensive, angry at me, she seems to think I'm trying to exploit her weakest hour. In a way, I am.

"How is Sears?" she asks abruptly, drawing me back form her mind. I didn't expect her to be so forthright.

"She's as well as I could expect," I reply, calmly. She nods, seeming to not know how to take that. To make it clear I won't leave, I pull out the chair at the desk and slide down into it. For a moment, it crosses my mind to actually check how Seras is but I don't, she's been so miserable lately it's depressing to hear her thoughts. I will leave her to her moping, there's nothing she can do anyway.

My master is ignoring me, stood looking out of the small window set in the wall. She certainly doesn't pose as imposing a figure as she once did. She's dressed in prison overall and her hair is pulled back. She looks to have lost weight and her skin is paler even then it was before.

I suppose that this is all only to be expected though.

"Master," I whisper, standing again and moving closer to her. She tries her best to ignore me but I can feel her moving towards me, swaying slightly closer, as if drawn to me. My smile becomes predatorial. In this moment, I'm not above admitting that I desire to control her. Who wouldn't? She is beautiful and she is strong and she is proud, she nearly begs the vampire in my to control her. And what better and more ironic way then to make her like me?

"No," She says, as if reading my thoughts. I realise that, while I was thinking of her many qualities, I have moved closer, pressing against her. She doesn't fight me though. Doesn't move, despite her words. I know she desires this, know she wishes to submit to me, to love forever. Who wouldn't? Though few would ever be deemed worthy as she is…

Suddenly a pain rings through my head like a shot and I stumble backwards, the moment is broken and she's drawing away, the image of her in my mind replaced with the reality, a woman who has already been conquered by those lower then her.

"No," she repeats. "I've told you that before, I don't expect to tell you again." Her arms are wrapped defensively around her chest but her eyes are strong. Sighing, I nod and leave, not saying anything. There are no words left to pass between us. Once again, she has won.

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My throat burns but I can't stop heaving, not even able to move from the spot where I've fallen. I can't control myself, I'm shaking and throwing up and I'm hot and my head aches and my limbs feel like jelly and my stomach's in knots and it feels as though my entire skin has been burnt.

If this is the result of touching Alucard's mind, I will never even attempt it again. I can't. It hurts so badly. Everything! My body and my mind.

I knew my master has completely stripped himself of his humanity and embraced the vampire but I didn't know it could do that to a person. He…he's so inhumane. He sees every person as food, he think of them as scum, he hates them, he loathes them. Even those he professes to respect, he hates.

If he had a chance, I really think he'd kill everyone but himself.

And that thought scares me beyond anything. The thought that only the seals my master holds over him prevent this kind of destruction. Without her, he would just kill and kill and kill.

How can a being like that exist?

I manage to pull myself from the floor where I collapsed and onto the bed. My limbs are still shaking and burning and I'm still flushed but I do it. Tears stream down my face and I want to scream, I did when I touched his mind, but I won't again. I don't want to draw attention.

I didn't even get what I needed. I was all in vain because I didn't find out where Integra is. I saw a prison cell, but it could be any prison.

I wonder if he's there now, with her. With my Integra. Mine!

I know, I shouldn't think like that, but I can't help it. If I had half a chance she would be mine, entirely mine. She'd never even look at another person again.

But then, I suppose, she wouldn't by Integra, if she ever let herself be possessed so entirely by another person.

And I love her as she is, and that means letting her be.

But the urge to possess her now is so strong. I wonder if it's something that crossed to my mind when it touched Alucards? Maybe that's what he was thinking at the second our minds brushed, maybe he desired to touch her. To own her.

Maybe he has. I know he's offered to make her a vampire before, maybe she's agreed now. Maybe that's why she didn't want me to be near her. I hope she hasn't. I hope she's still human.

Not that I wouldn't love her as a vampire, but, well…it changes people. I know it's changed me, sometimes in ways I don't even want to contemplate.

Either way, that plan to find her as failed, and since it was my only plan, I'm in a bit of trouble. I need to find her, if only to know that Alucard hasn't hurt her.

Like I can stop him, if he wants to…

I just never really realised how dangerous he was before now. Maybe it's because he looks so…human (well, most of the time)…it's hard to remember that he's a vampire.

I can feel myself drifting now. If I slip into unconsciousness, at least I won't feel this pain. I'll let myself drift, as though I have a choice, and when I wake up, I'll go back to the drawing board and find another way to find her. I have to find her.

There are no other options.

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I'm not afraid to admit that I'm lonely any more. There comes a point when pretending you don't yearn for human contact is pointless. A point when you consider striking up conversations with the guards who let you out to shower just so you can hear someone talk, find out something, however insignificant, about the world outside.

She hasn't come to me, hasn't visited. I know, I should have told her, but surely, she should have found out. Alucard should have told her. He must know I want him too. I want him too so much. I need someone here, and I need it to not be him.

His turning up upset me a lot. More then I would normally care to admit. It was…tempting, almost too tempting, to give into him. If I'd only swallow my pride and morals and let him make me like him, then I could walk out of this wretched prison. Not have to be caged in like some animal.

That's one of the things that gets me the most. I didn't want to think it would bother me so much but being able to take a walk whenever I please, not once a day around an empty exercise yard, feeling even more like an exhibit, is something I'm never going to take for granted again. As are private showers, nice meals and company.

I wonder how Walter is doing. I know he was getting better but anything could have happened in three weeks. Anything.

I want to know. I want to talk to Seras. More then that, I want to hold her, feel someone else…but not just someone else, feel her. She's meant to just be convenient, meant to just be someone I can reach out and control and have serve me through these hard time, just a body…but she's not. She's not just a body. I don't want anyone, I want her.

It hurts me so much to admit that.

I know, that loneliness is my own fault. I could bring her back. Have her with me again. I know I could. Well, not immediately. I get one letter a week in this place and I couldn't give her any specifics, they read all letters from inmates in as high a security as myself, and they might interpret an exact location of the cell as well as I know it as a plan to break me out and refuse to send it.

I could tell her the prison though, help her. I can tell her which prison I'm in and she can find me from there.

Why am I so needy?

It's not like I have anyone else I need to send the letter to instead. Only her. I only want her.

But I don't want her to think I need her. Don't want her to think I'm begging her to come back to me. Don't want her to think I'm unable to function without her in any way.

I could ask her to bring things, I suppose, that would make it easier. Make it seem less desperate. "Seras, bring me Cigars".

Only they probably wouldn't send it. Find some excuse…

Or maybe I'm the one finding excuses.

I can write the letter. Write it, that's all. And when the time comes, I can decide if I should send it or not. Decide if I'm desperate enough to beg her to come back to me. Decide it I need her enough to risk humiliation.

I put all this bravado about it, but really, I already know that it'll be sent.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's taken seven days for my hands to stop shaking. Seven days for me to be able to function like a normal person. It took two days for me to be able to stand up again, and I was so hungry by then…I'd not had anything for weeks with my moping so I had to go out and find some blood, lurching through the streets like a drunk then collapsing again as soon as I got home.

It still hurts. My skin is still on fire, though the flames have died down a little. I still ache and I'm still terribly mind-shatteringly frightened for Integra.

Which is really the only reason I'm managing to drag myself up. I need to find her. Need to make sure she's alright. I've exhausted methods available to me as a vampire, it's about time I did things the normal way.

Which is why I'm sat outside the door of Integra's solicitors, trying to look smart and not like someone who has just been through possibly the most painful experience in their life in vain.

I've always been intimidated by offices. I don't know why. I guess it's something to do with being looked down on, feeling belittled by the person at the other side of the desk, and I know Integra's solicitor is an imposing figure. I've never met the man before but I've seen him coming and going in the castle and he's always seems unnecessarily imposing to me.

But, a girl has to do what a girl has to do. And if this is what I have to do to see Integra, then this is what I'm going to do.

The door to his office opens and the secretary steps out. I think it's a requirement that secretaries at places like this need to look disinterested, stuck up and busy. She certainly does. I always though a secretary was meant to be friendly and helpful, I must have been wrong.

"He'll see you now," she says with a sign, not even looking up from the pile of papers she's holding. I'm the only one in the office so I know she must mean me and I stand up slowly and let myself through.

I'm sure they design these offices to make people feel inadequate, and, if this is true, they were designed by a man who did the job perfectly. Everything in the room is big, opulent even.

I've been to solicitors before, of course, but not one like this. Mine had a little office in a residential street with those horrible chairs you get in waiting rooms everywhere, the square things with the hard cushions, and his office was small and cluttered, giving the impression of a man who didn't have time for you. This office, it was massive, rolling, and it gave me the impression of a man who would have more power then I ever would.

Which is, really, a strange thing for a vampire to think since I could probably kill him quite easily and then we'd see who was stronger.

"Miss…Victoria?" he asks, hesitating. People tend to do that over my name, it's what comes from having a perfectly common and acceptable first name as a surname and an exotic given name.

"Yes," I say, trying to smile. He gestures at a seat across the desk and I sit, then feel tiny. This seat must be at least twice as big as it needs to be.

I hate people who feel the need to show of.

"What can I do for you today, Miss Victoria?" he asks, a predatorial smile on his lips. For a second, I want to turn around and run out of here, but I had a reason for coming and I'm not going until I get what I came for.

"I wanted to ask about Miss Hellsing," I say, trying not to be intimidated by him. I know I'm a little soft but surely I've grown enough recently so as not to be intimidated by a stuck up solicitor. "She's been moved, and I don't know where. It's quite important that I see her, you see, and I need to know where she's been moved…"

He frowns, maybe he can't help me, then he reaches forward and rifles through one of those circular card things on his desk. It all looks very official and my spirits are lifted. He takes a card and dials a number, apparently his secretary answers and he give her the number from the card and tells her to deal with it.

As simple as that. It could really have been as simple as that all along?

"If you give my secretary your phone number on the way out, she'll contact you when we know. These things take twenty four hours maximum so we should be able to get an answer for you soon."

"Thank you very much," I say. He stands up and I stand too, then he reached out his imposing hand and I shake it, gripping it lightly, then I turn and rush out the door.

In as little as 24 hours, I might once again see my Integra…and even that seems like too long.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wrote three letters. It took me nearly five hours and when I was finished I had three letters, I've left it until now, the day they take the post, to decide which one I'm going to send. The first one is bare, well, it contains the name of the prison and nothing else. Not even my name, not even her name. The second says everything. Everything I've been thinking over the last few days, everything I feel, even the bits I don't want to ever confess to feeling. It tells her I need her, tells her I want her to come here right now, it even begs at some point.

The third is the middle road. It's a compromise between desperate and cold. I tell her some things. I tell her that I thought Alucard would tell her my whereabouts. I tell her where I am. I tell her she's welcome to visit me at any time.

I know I'll never send the second one, the emotional one. I could never lay myself that bare to anyone, regardless of what I may or may not be feeling for them. I can't let myself by that vulnerable. I know I should, I should just get over this barrier and trust, but I can't. Really, that letter wasn't for her, it was for me. It was cathartic, taking everything that was swirling through my head and writing it down.

I think I'll be burning that one.

The first one, I don't think I could send that either. I may be mad at her, but it's my own fault she hasn't visited. I'm the one who didn't tell her where I was going. I'm the one who pushed her away. But, then again, a part of my wonders if she's even looked. A part of me is scared she hasn't, and that sending the second letter will show that I need her more then she needs me.

I can't give someone that kind of power over me.

If I order her here, she should come. She should come back to me, just because I tell her to. It's how I want this to work, how I need it to work. I need her to come back to me, to need me.

But what if she doesn't. What if she gets the letter and thinks I'm being too cold and doesn't come back?

I'm beginning to think this is a loose-loose situation. Whichever letter I send, I'm taking a risk.

I suppose I could play it the safe way, send the least emotional first and then, if it doesn't work, send the second. Maybe even send the third if I'm that desperate, but I don't think I can risk waiting three weeks to see her. It sounds pathetic but it's true.

Why am I so damn needy? And I can't even push her away, like I normally would if someone got this close, because without her I have nothing.

How the mighty have fallen.

A small cough behind me almost makes me jump from the bed. I certainly wasn't expecting that, the familiar cough she always uses to make herself know.

I look around without standing up. She's stood in the corner, looking sheepish but at the same time happy. I fight to keep a smile of my own face, I don't want to give her that yet. Why is she here? Why so suddenly after so long, does she just show up?

"Integra…" she says, taking a step forward. I don't reply and she looks a little disheartened, but she takes another step anyway. Then another, bringing her level with me. I suddenly wish I'd stood when she entered, I hate feeling small then her. Hate feeling like the weak one. It doesn't last long though and she drops to the floor, kneeling before me. She's biting her lip softly and her eyes are wide.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to come," she starts, "But Alucard wouldn't tell me where you were even thought I asked him a million times and I even begged but he just doesn't care about things like that and…"

I'm almost as surprised at she to find I've reached out and pressed a finger to her lips. To find my hand sliding back along her face, touching her, being so glad of the contact, of the warmth.

It's almost as if I can't help myself. I slide my hand into her hair, bring my other hand up to rest on the side of her face then tilt her head back and lean forward to kiss her.

This hasn't changed, at least. She's so gentle, so timid, barely responding at first but then slowly starting to move her lips against mine, daring to lift a hand and lay it on my knee, daring to slide a little closer.

I break the kiss, smiling now. She's still mine. Whatever her reasons for not coming to see me before now, I still possess her. Nobody else's, mine.

"I missed you, Integra," she says, I can see her eyes filling with tears, and it reminds me why I wasn't speaking to her in the first place. She saw me when I was weak. Saw me at my lowest hour. Surely, she has to think less of me after seeing me like that. Has to have a lower opinion of me. Not that I care what she thinks…but…well…

In all honestly, I do care what she thinks.

She's leaning forward now, placing her head on my lap. I can feel her tears.

It surprises me. I expected her to be watery eyed, I didn't expect her to break down and cry. I would never have cried at a thing like that, maybe she did really miss me.

Maybe she's just giving me the opportunity to see her weakness too. Or maybe, that's a side effect she doesn't know about. Of course, it doesn't surprise me that she cries, I expect it of someone like her, but to think that she cries over me. Over a few weeks apart. I might have got upset and I might have got angry but I wasn't and still aren't near tears.

Or maybe her tears just mean that she doesn't see anything wrong with crying.

It's not something to talk about now anyway. I'm still angry with her, I want to know what kept her. I want to talk to her, see what she has to say for herself, get angry at her, but none of that's for now.

I stand up, slowly. She looks at me, almost seeming scared, so I smile at her then take her hands and pull her up. She still looks nervous, still looks scared, so I reach out and stroke her face again, revelling in the feel of her skin, then I kiss her again, more confident this time. She responds almost instantly, letting me lead, letting me kiss her. She slides her hands gently up my back and I reach around her, pulling her close to me. I want to feel her, want to know she's here.

Slowly, and without breaking the kiss, I turn her around and then push her down on the bed. She goes readily, breaking the kiss for a second, but keeping her arms around me. We lay down, pressed together, and kiss the kind of deep, needy kisses that I imagine all people need after times like this.

And I'm so glad she's back with me.


	7. Goodbye

Note: Thanks for the lovely reviews. Yes, I am still going with this. To be honest, I don't know when it's going to end. I've got 3 more drabble challenges to go at it stands and some more plots for longer stories all linked in with this, so it could go on for quite some time. I'll be sure to put a note in to tell you when I'm done with it.

Title : Goodbye

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Seras/Integra

Words: 347

Challenge: **#6 Goodbye**

I want to stay here forever, locked in her warm embrace. I know it's silly, I know I need to go soon, I've been here for nearly 2 hours already, but still, I want to sat here with her. Is that so wrong, after we've been apart so long?

I know that she feels I'm going to have to leave soon too. She's tensed up a little, become less affectionate. She still hasn't said a word to me and it worries me a little but feeling her here, holding me, kissing me, that's more then enough. She's still alive, she's still human and she still wants me.

But, it's time I went. I'd love to stay here with her forever but I can't. I need to go before I'm found out, that would be a disaster. I need to tell Walter I found her…

But I want to stay so badly.

Slowly, I push myself up from where I've been lying, beside her with my head just under her breasts. She looks at me, and again, I want to do anything but leave her. I don't have a choice though. I have to go some time and if I don't go now I might never leave.

"You're going," she says. It's the first thing she's said to me all day and it seems so sad. I just nod at her and she sighs, sitting up. I move to sit next to her, still not wanting to leave her. I just wish I could stay with her forever.

"Well…" She's trying to be tough, I know it. Well, I want to believe it. I don't want to let myself believe that she really doesn't care that I'm leaving again. "Goodbye."

"No," I say softly. She looks at me as if I've gone mad, maybe I have. "Not goodbye, just…'till next time…"

"…Untill next time," she says, still a little cold, but seeming to relax a little. I lean forward and kiss her again, briefly, then I leave, not wanting to prolong my departure more then I have to.


	8. The spaces in between

Title : The spaces in between

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Seras/Integra

Words: 240

Challenge: #7 Hello

I hadn't let myself hope she'd come back. To hope would be weak. I'd tried to stop myself even thinking about it. If I didn't think about it, then it wouldn't be a blow to me if she didn't come back. If she was, for some reason, detained…or just decided that she had better things to do with her life then visit me in here.

I mean, she must have better things to do with her life then visit me in here. She's young, she's attractive, she must have a life outside. She should have a life outside.

But damnit, I know it's selfish but I don't want her to. I want her to be here for me, here with me, as and when I need her. I want her to love me! I know it sounds desperate but I do.

So I try not to think about her coming back. Try not to think about what will happen if she doesn't. Try to concentrate on other things, happier things. But I can't! Every little noise has me jumping to see if it's her. After she's been back a few times, I won't be like this, it's just with being apart for so long.

I'm so pitiful. It's not as if I have anything more pressing to be thinking about though. That's why my mind keeps turning back to her. Just waiting for her to come back to me again.


	9. Why?

Title : Why?

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Seras/Integra

Words: 325

Challenge: #8 Staying in

"Don't you have somewhere you'd rather be?" she asks me, her voice calm. I frown and look up at her. She's sat smoking as she normally does, and I'm sat on the ground at her feet, my head in her lap, happy for any and all contact I can have with her.

"Why would I?" I rub my cheek against her leg and she reaches down to stroke my hair. I press into her palm, then turn my head so she's caressing my cheek. She smiles then leans down, pressing a small kiss to my lips. Even through the brief touching of her lips I can taste the cigarette on her but I don't mind, it's all part of who she is.

"Don't normal people go out on Friday nights? Have fun. There must be something you'd rather be doing then sitting around here with me…" I frown and stand up, that's such an odd thing for her to say. Of course there's nowhere else I want to be, I spent so long wishing and dreaming about just being with her but thinking it impossible and, ok, maybe prison isn't the best place for us to be having this kind of relationship but any moment she gives me with her is a moment I'm going to be happy and I don't know why she doesn't understand that.

I sit on her lap and she lets me, even bringing her free hand to rest on the small of my back. Then I lean forward and kiss her, a long slow kiss. I know it sounds stupid but I try to put everything I'm feeling into that kiss, so she'll know that I'm feeling it and know that I want her. I eventually break of the kiss, slowly, trying to draw it out as long as possible.

"Why would I want to be anywhere else," I whisper in her ear, and I know she smiled at that.


	10. Respect

First, to the reviewers, glad you're still enjoying…Mistery, I'm glad you're enjoying it. xiar I'm sure you only meant to send the review once, I'm told lj was being glitchy, I'll fix that. KayaniteD, yeah, I am kind of laying on the angst…didn't really intend to so much so but…there's even more angst in this one. Protégé of master I'm glad you're enjoying it, the yuri drabbles community is a little dead but can be found here - http/ I've run out of yuridrabble challenges. I'll still continue to write and I'll still be doing it to challenges, it's just which challenges I take. If you take a look at my journal (http/ that tells you more about it but basically I want to know your opinions, feel free to tell me in a comment here, my e-mail, lj-comment or whatever you're most comfortable with, or not at all if you like…

So, on with the drabble!

Title : Respect

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Seras/Integra

Words: 328

Challenge: #9 Going out

I walk with my head down, hands manacled. This is their idea of exercise, a brief walk around the yard. The only time I leave me cell and now it's only under heavily armed guard that I'm allowed to do so. I can feel their eyes on me as I walk and I hate it. I hate them. I hate the entire situation but this is one of the worst parts. When I'm locked away in my cell and no-one can see me, I retain some of my dignity. Out here, in the harsh light of day, I'm exposed to everyone.

It doesn't help that I know she's watching. How can she have any respect left for me after all this? When she's sat in my room now, probably watching me. I should have told her not to come so early, but I didn't think. I should have asked her to leave when I realised what time it was, but I couldn't bring myself to.

Time is such a blur at the moment, it's like it doesn't really matter any more. I have such a hard time keeping track of it. I generally only have a vague idea by the amount of light that come through my window. Not that I don't have a clock but it becomes your enemy when you sit there for long hours alone.

We approach the door again and I let myself breath a sigh of relief, at least it's over for today. I can go back to my cell and not have to deal with all this again, shut my eyes and pretend I'm elsewhere.

The cell's empty when I get there and I know she's nearby, she wouldn't just leave. Sure enough, as soon as they remove the chains from my arms and leave she appears and wraps her arms around me, and I lean into her.

How can anyone respect me like this, I don't even respect myself any more.


	11. The beginning

To my reviewers.

Laura – YOU WILL BE CORRUPTED. Now, draw my Integra! Please please please.

- - I'm glad you enjoyed it, they are drabbles, they're meant to be a bit short, but the arc I'm going into now is going to involve stories more about the 2000 word length (I hope)

KyaniteD – It's always nice to get reviews from you. You will indeed see…I'll try to live up to these expectations I'm apparently building…

Protégéofmaster – I deliver as promised! There is much more to come…though how much…I'm not sure…we'll see where it ends up…

Just a warning to you all, there might not be updates in November (or just a drabble). I do plan at least one more update before then but I'm doing nanowrimo and I thought I'd put a warning in now while I'm thinking about it in case I forget to next time.

Title : The Beginning

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Seras/Integra

Words: 1867

30smiles challenge: #28 Crazy

I don't like to think I'm a closed minded person, or that I'm not introspective. I like to think that I'm intelligent and that I know myself, but it's only now that I've really had time to stop and think that I realise how little I know about myself. To realise how desperate and needy I am, how I can so easily repress everything I hate.

I need a vampire. Not to protect me, but to need me, to want me. Don't misunderstand, I do need Alucard, but I don't need for him to like me. The thought of not seeing him doesn't chill me.

She's so different from him that it's easy to pretend that they're not the same beast, it's easy to think of her as something removed from him, but then the little things remind me. The cold brush of her skin against mine, making me shudder. The touch of a fang against my tongue when I kiss her.

It used to be so easy to hate all vampires on principal. I was able to step back and say they were all evil, safe in the knowledge that Alucard would likely be wreaking his own little brand of bloody mayhem and terrorising people were he not bound to me. But damnit she's different! She fights for her humanity, something that Alucard's forsaken.

It's easy to say all vampires are monsters when standing in Alucard's shadow, it's a completely different matter when I lay there with Serar in my arms.

So, at which point am I wrong? Am I wrong now, to be reconsidering the nature of my opponent. To be sleeping with the enemy (well, not sleeping with her yet, but still). Or was I wrong before, to consider all vampires as heartless fiends because of Alucard.

Can I still order the deaths of vampires if I need Seras.

I know it's a bit of an academic question as things stand. I don't have to order anyone to do anything. I don't exist outside these walls, or I may as well not exist anyway. Trapped here. I wonder which idiot that have doing my job? I wonder if they're doing it as well as I did.

I wonder when Seras will come again.

And I hate myself for wondering about that. I hate myself for wanting her. I hate myself for needing her.

I think it's getting to a point where I essentially just hate myself.

They released Walter from hospital three days ago, and I never knew the man could be so demanding. Between him and Integra I've barely had a moment to myself. Not that I'm complaining, there are far worse ways to spend my time but still…it would be nice to have a little rest.

They told him to rest up when he left the hospital, and he is doing, so I'm fetching and carrying for him. Surely you'd think there'd be some better use of my time then running to the shop for milk.

I don't even know why he needs the milk so urgently. You'd think he'd wait until morning. Of course, it's more convenient for me to go in the evening, I suppose, being nocturnal and all but finding a shop that was open was a real challenge.

To think, not all that long ago really I'd have been terrified to walk alone at night like this, now I'm not even slightly scared. I suppose it's understandable, I am a vampire now and I do have a gun loaded with silver bullets tucked into my waistband (it hurts to, it's digging in right under my ribs, but I do feel better to have it. Old habits dye hard and there's only so many times you can fight vampires before you start carrying a gun as standard).

I won't use it, of course, the bullets are far too hard to get hold of now, I wouldn't even know where to start looking, but it's still comforting to have it there.

One of the major downsides of being a vampire is I feel changes in temperature more keenly. They don't bother me any more, my body's given up on trying to keep to the same temperature so I'm as happy in a snow field as a tropical beach, but I can still know it's cold and psychologically it still bothers me, even if physically it doesn't.

I wonder if that, like so many other things, will eventually just go away. I wonder if I'll eventually be in a place mentally where temperature changes mean nothing to me.

It's pointless to think about, I suppose, but interesting never the less. Just another little slice of my humanity disappearing.

But that's so depressing to think about. I'm here and who knows what I'll become, I just have to push through with what I am now and hope it all goes well.

As long as I stay positive and as long as I'm still kind and while I can still feel love I figure I can't be all that bad. It's so dark around here. I wonder why Walter's living here. I'll have to ask him when I get in, I suppose it might well be all he can afford, but Integra must have been paying him for all those years of service…he must have some money.

Maybe he just likes it here.

I just know it's a long way from my flat, and that busses don't run too frequently at night. There's a bus that runs up here from near the supermarket I ended up going to but it's only ever hour at this time and I'd just missed one, by the time the next one got there I could have walked it.

Though I'm not sure walking it is a good idea…well…it wouldn't be for a normal person anyway.

I turn a corner and stop in my tracts. The street before me is in complete darkness. It only takes a second for my eyes to adjust and I see that it's deserted. But all the lights are shattered, it looks almost as if they've been shot out. That's just silly. Why on earth would anyone want to shoot out all the lights if they weren't going to loiter and do some damaged. Mind you, the lights could have been shot out some time ago and the council just not got round to fixing them yet, figures…

I start of down the street finding myself, in spite of everything, walking a little faster then I would if the lights were on. I know it's stupid to worry, I can handle anything anyone cares to throw at me, but still…

There's something odd here. I start to feel it by the time I pass the second shot out streetlight. There is something here that isn't normal, isn't right. I slip my hand under my coat, brushing my fingers gently against the gun, reassuring myself it's there and it can be in my hand at a second's notice.

I think I see a scuttle in the shadows, but I could be wrong. My fingers tighten around the gun all the same. I feel so paranoid, walking along, on edge, my back stiff, seeming to hear every noise in the damn street, my fingers curled around a gun.

Then, something slams into my left side, sending me to the ground. I roll and bring myself up on my knees, pulling out the gun as I bring my hand down to steady myself. The thing throws itself at me again, from the other side this time, but I'm ready, I manage to roll it under me and bring my gun around.

One shot to the heart.

Damn annoying, I should have just torn of it's head, wasting such an expensive bullet on a piece of scum like that. I can sense more of them now, all annoyingly weak, though I can feel something stronger, hiding beyond them in the houses. Apparently, whatever was in charge here didn't feel the need to go out himself.

I bolt suddenly to my left, tearing into the chest of the vampire stood there then turning and tearing the head from his companions neck. The adrenalin's pumping through me again as it hasn't in so long, I feel so…so…so damn alive. I throw myself on the next one, tearing him to shreds. They've started to run now, cowards, idiots! Running from me!

Scum, all of them.

The something-more-powerful is moving. Apparently I've drawn some attention to myself. I grin, a wicked grin, and reach up to wipe the blood of the vampire I've just killed from my face.

It emerges, swaggering. It's a woman, should have guessed when all her little minions were male. She pouts at me, says something meaningless, and I tear her chest open right between her pert little breasts.

The street's deserted now, I stand there, dripping in blood. I draw deep breaths, though I haven't needed to breath for so long, trying to calm myself, to beat down the surge of adrenaline telling me to kill or maim anyone and everyone I find.

As the buzz from the killing wears of, I start to shake, slowly falling to my knees.

Why am I like this? Why do I loose control. I say I'm still human, but am I, really?

I pull myself to my feet and absently turn to look for the milk I dropped. It's half under one of the dead vampires and I move him to retrieve it, wiping it of as best I can, and I set of again.

Walter's home is only a few streets away, I don't think I'm seen. He nods at me when he sees me and lets me in, taking the milk and going to make some tea. I collapse in a chair, in a daze.

"I take it you dealt with my little problem?" he asks, coming back into the room with his tea. I think I nod, he seems to take whatever I do as an answer anyway and carries on.

"These little…dens, would you call them, have been springing up all over the place. I wanted you to see it for yourself, so you knew it was true…"

"Why isn't anyone doing anything about it?"

"Who is there to do anything about it? Hellsing is disbanded, Integra in jail…"

"But…surely something has been established…they can't just be letting the vampires run wild!"

"As you've seen yourself," he says calmly, "That is exactly what they're doing. And I'm afraid, Miss Victoria, it falls upon us to stop them."

I know he's right, know right there that I'm going to have to fight these things…it doesn't bother me much, which bothers me is the thought that I'm going to be doing it without back up. Without Hellsing agency covering my ass.

Without Integra.

And that's the crux of the matter, really, we need Integra to do this. Well, I need Integra to do this. It might sound pathetic but it's true. It seems, however, that today it is Walter who's reading my mind.

"I do believe, our first step should be getting Sir Hellsing out of jail."


	12. Hope

Catlike predator – Thank you, it's nice to hear things like that

Protégé of master – Here you go!

**Fandom: Hellsing  
Title: Hope  
Author/Artist: T'Pau Silver  
Theme(s): #3 No promises  
Pairing/Characters: Seras/Integra  
Rating: PG-13  
Disclaimer/claimer (if needed): I in no way own Hellsing or anything related to this. I make no money for this fanfiction.   
Summary (if needed): A continuation of the Connected series, Seras visits Integra in prison and ponders if she should share the latest developments. **

**As always, this is unbetad so if you spot any spelling mistakes etc, tell me and I will fix them. I'm notoriously bad at spotting them myself. If you would like to beta for me then I'd love you forever.**

We decided in the end not to tell Integra, and by we, I mean Walter. I know it's a bad idea for her to know really, both how bad things have got and that we're trying (though totally legal channels funnily enough) to get her out. I don't want to give her false hope, but at the same time I do want to give her hope. I want to see her smile again…

It's so selfish of me. I'd risk giving her false hope just to see a smile on her face.

So we agreed that it was bad, that I shouldn't tell her, when I saw her. That the less she knew about all this the better.

The second I stepped into her cell I knew I should run. I knew I shouldn't be here because I know how weak I am where she's involved. I know that I'll so anything to not see her in pain. She hides it better then most but I know being here is driving her mad.

She's sat at the desk now, her head in her hands, eyes closed. I almost think she's shaking slightly but I push that out of my mind, she's too strong for that.

But she looks so broken.

"Integra," I whisper, making her jump a bit. She normally hears me come in, I try to make noise (though walking through a wall noisily is damn hard). She looks at me, not talking. I wonder what's going through her mind. Wonder who she's thinking about when she sees me standing here. Then I think that I shouldn't wonder any more because I'd rather not know.

I walk over to her and kneel on the floor, rapping my arms around her and resting my head on her lap. She pauses and them reaches down, brushing her fingers gently through my hair and I smile, glad of the touch.

"Sometimes I wish we could stay like this forever," I murmur softly. She still doesn't reply, just runs her fingers through my hair, stroking it. I look up but her face is unreadable, I was always bad at telling what she was thinking anyway. She touches my face slightly and I smile at her. She doesn't smile back, but stands slowly. I stand with her, keeping my arms around her waist. I hate seeing her like this. She wraps her arms around me too, now, seemingly hesitant but still pulling me close. I lean against her, glad of any contact.

"Do you ever think that this is wrong?" she asks me, her expression unchanged. I frown. Why would it be wrong? Because we're women, because I'm a vampire? I ask her and she tells me both, but mostly because I'm a vampire.

"Why does it matter?" I ask, pouting slightly.

"Because I kill vampires," she replies, as if it really is that simple. I smile at her softly.

"So do I," I whisper. "I kill vampires, doesn't that redeem me in some way? I mean, I know that vampires do evil things, but so do a lot of humans…just because I'm a vampire like them doesn't mean I do evil things like them…"

"I know…but you're still a vampire…I just…"

"I know…" I whisper softly, looking down. I can't meet her eyes. All the times I've wished that I never made that decision, that I never let Alucard make me a vampire. All the times I wish I'd been a million miles away on that day, of even died. But wishes get you nowhere. I could sit here wishing all day and it wouldn't help me. I am a vampire and that isn't going to change, but I'll try not to let it change me.

Integra seems satisfied for the moment, she kisses me gently and I reciprocate, glad for the diversion. The kiss is only light and over soon but it still feels wonderful to me.

But then, Integra is shaking again. I can't deny it now, when I'm so close, wrapped in her arms. I press even closer, resting my head on her shoulder and leaning against her, she's too self-reliant to ever lean on me.

I know she hates it here. Know it from everything that she does, everything that she says. This cell is slowly killing her…and I want to give her hope. But the thought that it might be false hope…

"Talk to me," she whispers in my ear. She wants a distraction, I know it. "Tell me about what's happening outside. Tell me something useless, how is Walter? What did you do last night?"

Two of the things I least want to discuss, but she's asked, so I may as well tell her. I know I can't hold out much longer anyway.

"Walter's fine," I whisper into her shoulder, "And last night I killed some vampires, can't remember how many, on an unassuming London street."

"What?" she asked, drawing back. There's some real expression on her face, maybe not a good expression but she seems to be feeling something for the first time in a while and that can only be good.

"They'd made a kind of nest there, one moderately strong, the rest low level idiots."

"How did they manage to set up a nest, didn't whoever's taking the place of the Hellsing agency deal with it."

"That's just the thing," I say, averting my eyes, "And don't yell at me because I only found out yesterday…but there isn't anyone replacing the Hellsing agency. I don't know why, Walter didn't know either, but there no-one."

"That's ridiculous," she fumes, pulling away from me and starting to pace. I allow myself a small smile, it's so good to see her like this again. "Something has to be done, vampires can't be allowed to run rampant, who's idea was that. The idiocy of it! Do they think the vampires are just going to go away since they've removed me from the picture?"

She's talking animatedly, waving her hands as she paces. I want to jump up an down in joy. She's seemed almost dead for so long now, sitting around doing nothing, it's wonderful to see her so full of energy, so alive.

"What are you doing about this?" she asks, looking pointedly at me, and my good mood vanishes. To give her hope or not? Do I lie to her, can I lie to her? I don't want to give her a false hope…but I want her to know. Want her to know that there might be a way to get her out of this.

I know what I'm going to tell her already.

"Well…there are no promises but…Walter's looking into making an appeal for you to be released and the Hellsing institute re-established."

"No promises…"

"But we're trying!"

She steps forward, wraps one arm around my waist, laying the other on the side of my face to tilt my head back and kisses me, hard. Pushing almost desperately against my lips, and I feel myself respond to her. I don't kiss back, I let her kiss me, let her own me. Let myself belong to her.

And I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.


	13. Omens

There's apparently now a reply function in these here parts so any review I get from here in on I'll reply to unless, you know, it's anonymous or I have nothing to say to it. I'm currently going back and editing the earlier segments of this, but I don't know if I'll get that done before Christmas with January exams and everything so I thought I'd post this now and get on with the rest asap, 2 new chapters for you (oh, and I actually plotted the thing, I know how it ends! You will all find out in good time). Though, that said, exams have a habit of driving me to write so there may be more stuff coming up when I return from Christmas…

Fandom: Hellsing

Title: Omens

Author/Artist: T'Pau Silver

30Smiles Theme(s): #20, Crows/Nightingale

Pairing/Characters: Seras/Integra

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer/claimer (if needed): I do not own Hellsing, this fanwork is made purely for personal enjoyment, there is no profit involved.

An unfortunate side effect of the current vampire situation having been rather forcibly been brought to my attention is that I feel I have to do something about it. Walter's indicated that maybe it would be better for me not to do anything, then the situation looks at it's worst for the appeal, but I can't just sit by while people are being killed. I can't just lay in my bed or read a book while people are being needlessly slaughtered.

So, I go out and I do something about it. Admittedly, what I can do is rather limited since we are having so much trouble getting hold of bullets. But in some ways that's good for me. Alucard told me when he started training me (something that he now seems to have forgotten about again) that I rely too much on bullets and not enough on just being a vampire. I guess I agree with him, I do just shoot things and not think of the other ways I can kill them. Though I don't really want to think of the other ways I can kill them.

This is helping with that at least. I'm having to be so ingenious to kill them these days, and I can feel myself growing stronger because of it. But, at the same time, I wonder if there isn't a cost to getting stronger.

I don't just go out, mind you, and hope I run into some vampires. I have plans. I listen to people. There are certain bars where you learn things and I've had to find these places all on my own. At least I'll be more effective when Hellsing starts up again now. Be more of a help and less of a burden.

And it will be up and running again soon, Walter's working on it.

But, either way, I pick up tips and one's lead me here. An abandoned warehouse, I'm crouching outside now performing final checks before I go in. There's not much activity, I can't hear or sense anything so I guess they're out, but it seems like the kind of place, and I think I've glanced a few ghouls stumbling about, so I should go in and find a good place to wait for them.

I have a knife, my gun (though I won't use it), and my strength. That's all I should need. I'm down to two bullets in the gun now, I can't replace the ones I fire. I just have to make do with what I have.

There's a rustle above me and I glance up, though I know it's not a vampire. I would have sensed it by now. Crows. Crows on the roof, lots of them. Evil little things, they're carrion birds so really I should expect to find them around in a place like this, but still…

They're a bad omen.

I do sense something now, something approaching. Not anyone too powerful, nobody I can't handle, but large numbers of vampires I can handle. I press myself back into the shadows of the doorway and let them pass. Twenty vampires, carrying three humans. One is dead already, I think, one lethargic from being bitten, the other fighting.

The one who's fighting it only a little girl, she can't be older then 10. She's fighting and crying and trying to reach one of the older women, her mother I presume, and they're laughing at her. Bastards. How could anyone put me in a class with monsters like these?

I need to work fast, the other two are gone but there's still a chance I can help the little girl. I slip into the warehouse behind the last of the vampires. It reeks of flesh inside. There are bodies littering the floor, things that should be ghouls but who have never been called upon to rise. You don't automatically become a ghoul if you're bit and you die, someone has to call you…these vampires obviously don't care for minions, which is good for me.

They've formed a circle around the three human now, and the little girl is clutching the dead body, crying and looking at the vampires, who only laugh at her.

I unsheathe my knife. It's now or never.

The first three fall easy, they didn't even know I was coming, but their deaths draw the attention of the others to me. I don't let that stop me, I can't show a moment of weakness or I may as well just kill myself! A fourth falls, then a fifth, but they're retaliating now, moving to form a wall of bodies between me and their victims…

I try to plunge though but they keep coming at me. So many of them! One catches me in the stomach with it's foot and pushes me back and little and another one takes the chance to stab me…

Those two don't live much longer. I can feel it now, they thing that take over when I'm in these situations, I can feel it taking over me! I tear into them, knife falling to the floor, all I need to deal with lowly shit like this is my hands. Once some of them see this they try to run, cowards! Scum! I move more quickly then I knew I could, blocking them and killing them.

They will all die, none of them are worth the gift they've been granted!

I attack mercilessly, tearing through their flesh as if it were tissue paper, even when they're all gone the urge to fight still pulses through me. I want to fight, and kill…and fuck. I want, so badly…

But, but, there was something else, but people. The little girl, was I in time? I need to get a hold on myself, there are more important things to deal with first. I force myself to calm down, force myself to take deep, calming breaths. I need to think. I need to take care of this situation before it gets any more out of hand. I need to find the little girl and see if there's even a chance to save her.

It doesn't take me long, once I've calmed down enough to look, to find her. It takes me even less time to realises there's no hope. They've bitten her badly, blood's streaming from her throat all over the floor. But, she isn't dead yet. She's still looking up at me, gasping for breath, eyes wide.

"Please," she rasps, "Help me…"

For a moment, for the longest moment, I want to save her in the only way I can. I want to make her like me. I want to drink from her and make her into a vampire like I am, then at least she can go on. She's so young, it's so unfair that she should die in such an awful way. I could give her life forever, it would be so easy!

But, then again, maybe true death is the best gift I can give her. What kind of life would a person have trapped forever in the body of a ten year old girl, wanting desperately to grow up and never managing? What kind of life can I give her, when I myself don't even know how to behave? How can I show her how to be a vampire when I'm so ignorant myself?

"I'll help you," I mumble. I reach over and pull her into my lap, holding her close. There's really only one thing I can do in a situation like this, only one way to help her.

I whisper words of kindness to her, how it'll all be ok soon and she doesn't have anything to worry about and I'll take care of everything. I rock her gently and I hold her. She looks up at me, and she manages to smile. How lovely a kid she must have been, how much everyone must have loved her if she can look at me and smile at a time like this.

Then I tear her head from her shoulders.

Above us, in the rafters of the warehouse, crows circle, and I sit there, her body across my lap, her head in my hands, crying for the life lost. Crying because I couldn't save her. I can't save anyone.


	14. Pride

Title : Proud

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Seras/Integra

Words: 309

30smiles challenge: #27 Pride

Integra is so proud. I mean, I've known that all along, but now I feel like I'm in battle with the fact. She's proud and aloof and I'm starting to hate how distant it makes her from me.

She's too proud to say she needs me, though I know she does. She's too proud to ask me for information or, well, anything, so I have to try and second guess everything, and it's getting rather tiresome. She won't ask if we're any closer to getting her out, though she wants to know more then anything, she just won't ask. I don't know why she won't ask, but she won't. So I tell her, and I know by the way she reacts that she wanted to know, the way a relaxed smile settles on her face even as she tries to act dismissively of the information. But she'll never ask for it.

She'll never ask me to hold her. Not to kiss her or to touch her. I never quite know if she wants me or not because she gives me no signs. It's such a hard way to live, never quite knowing if you're actually wanted or not…

Sometimes I wonder if I should stop trying to second guess her. I wonder if I should stop being the first to touch, to hold her. Just to see if she'd initiates the action herself. Maybe a smaller thing first, maybe I should stop telling her things she want to know, make her ask for them.

But, I know I'll never do that. I love her too much. She wants, no, she needs to know these things. And I do love her. I even love how she's proud, aloof. I love how she's so strong.

So, really, I wouldn't want her to stop being proud. Even if I could make her…


	15. Homecoming

Title : Homecoming

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Seras/Integra

Words: 2464

30smiles challenge: #4 Cold body

Things have changed since I've been gone. It was inevitable, really, that things should change. But still…you don't expect it. I suppose I expected some little changes. I expected the place to look different, but it doesn't, not really. It's been boarded up while I was gone. It feels like forever since I was last here. But they've been in before I arrived back, while the final terms of my release were being arranged, so it looks exactly how it I remember it. How it should be.

Except somehow it isn't the same. Somehow, it's emptier. Somehow, it's colder. I have to admit that it was never the most welcoming place in the world, I've never seem the point in making it welcoming, but now it seems colder then it's ever seemed before. It feels, wrong, and distant.

And I feel so very small standing here alone in the hall.

All my soldiers are gone. All of them. Alucard has vanished of to goodness knows where. But, I think, I'm a little glad of that really. I'm not sure I could face him at the moment so it's better that he isn't around. For the time being at least.

There's such an enormous task in front of me. The whole world seems to have gone to hell while I was locked up, if the places Seras took me last night are any indication. She didn't want to show me, but I made her. If I'm going to take this problem on I have to see the extent of the damage. I have to know what I'm up against. And it's worse then I thought. I don't know where to start, honestly. How do I tackle this?

Well, I should start by gathering soldiers, I guess. I'm going to have to recruit and train an entire army, with Seras doing the best she can until that army is ready. I shall have to, there isn't an alternative. That doesn't make it any less daunting though.

But first, I need to get past my own hallway…go to the office.

I'm the only one here yet. Walter is still stuck at home, he's worse then he's letting people believe and I wouldn't dream of having him here. After all, I caused his illness to start with. Seras is going about as she normally does, dealing with what Hellsing is not yet equipt to deal with. There isn't anyone else. They're all I've got.

I want Walter to come back. I hope he's better soon, I do miss him. It's hard not to miss him, he's been such a large part of my life for so long. And he'd fill the silence. He'd give me something else to focus on.

I wish she was here more, though.

But I won't, I can't. I know, I've had this argument with myself and with her time and time again, but I can't get past it. She is a vampire. I can not love a vampire. A part of me wishes I could, wishes I could forget what she is and love her for who she is, but it doesn't work like that. I've tried.

How can I love something that's dead? Something who's kind I've sworn to eradicate.

I can't care about her, and I can't let myself get drawn in any further!

It was last night that made me realise, as I stood in a room filled with rotting and decaying bodies, she's not so far removed from one of them, and even less far removed from the things that caused those deaths. But, what was more disturbing, the look in her eyes as she killed the vampires. If I didn't know better, I'd have almost said she enjoyed it. I know Seras has clung on to a lot of her humanity, I certainly heard about it often enough from Alucard, but watching her then, it was hard to see anything human in her.

So I have to end it.

But…this is all stalling. What I really need to do, right now, is to go to my office. Everything else will follow from there.

I don't know why I'm so nervous to go there. It's my room! Maybe that's why I'm nervous. Maybe I don't want to see that it's changed. Maybe I don't want my seat of power to feel as empty as the rest of my house does right now.

But, if I don't go now, I may never go. Besides, I can't stand here all night. There are things to do. I need to get on with everything. I can't just sit around here doing nothing.

The stairs seem so daunting. I could swear there weren't so many of them before. I force myself up them, one step at a time, and my progress seems to take years. It seems like forever has passed before I place my foot on the landing and stand there looking down. But, having climbed the stairs, it seems a hollow victory.

These things should be natural to me. I shouldn't even have to think about climbing the stairs. I shouldn't have to coax myself into my own office. I should be strong! I should take this in my stride! I should never have gone to jail…

But still, no matter how I try, I can't build up enough righteous indignation to push myself down the hallway. To anyone else it would seem like such a small step, to me it seems an insurmountable obstacle.

But still, I push myself on. I force a step, and another. I don't want to go, I really don't. My mind tries to think of a million alternatives to going into that room, but I know deep down I have to get it over with. I have to reclaim this space, and from there I can set about reclaiming the rest of the house.

Why is it so hard?

I finally reach the door, I wish someone had thought to leave it open. But, then, I never leave the door open, so I would have upset me if they had. This door is meant to be my barrier, my way of keeping everyone else out. Now it seems like a barrier against me, a barrier to keep me out. But I need to get past it. I need to reclaim myself, take back my old life. That's what it's all about really, isn't it? Being the person I used to be.

In one swift and determined motion, I push open the door. It swings back, letting me see the room inside. As well as I can see with the lights of anyway. It is nearly 4 in the morning. Warily, I step forward and fumble for the switch on the wall.

The lights come on, and nothing's changed. Everything is exactly where I left it, exactly how it should be. But, again, it isn't. There are no papers in my in tray or my out tray. There aren't memo's strewn about, no discarded cup of tea left on the coffee table. The room is devoid of any life, anything that might indicate to an outsider someone lived here, that I'd ever lived here.

It's like I've been taken out of it.

I take a shaky step further in. It's all so tidy. I mean, I'm not a messy person, but a little clutter is inevitable in a working office. There is no clutter here, none at all. It's as if the room is sleeping, or dead.

But then, I need to reclaim it, don't I? I need to fit myself back into this room, mould the room about myself. I need there to be one damn place in this building that feels like it should do. One place that it still my home. Wasn't that why I forced myself up here, really?

I walk over to the desk, trying to seem brisk and nonchalant. I sit down in the chair, and it feels so big. I feel almost as if I'm drowning in it, and I used to fill it so well. This is exactly what I was afraid of. If I can't even fit into my chair any more, how can I fit back into my life?

Every drawer in the desk is empty. I wonder where all my things have gone? Of course, the official documentation will have been take away, I was prepared for that after the shock of the clean desk, but there were personal things in here! Photos and letters and other paraphernalia that I don't much appreciate someone taking. Someone going through them without my permission.

Though maybe this is a good thing that everything's gone. A clean start. I can go right back and start again from a clean slate. And this time Hellsing will be stronger. We won't fall again!

This time I will be stronger too, though I don't feel it. I don't feel very strong at all at the moment. In fact, at the moment, I just feel small and alone. I could try to tell myself it's that I've just got out of jail, it has been less then 48 hours and I did spend my first night of freedom in a London hotel room trying to relax but that's just a worthless excuse.

But, I wanted things to be easy when I got home, and it doesn't at all look like that's going to happen.

"Integra?"

I nearly jump out of my skin. So much for being alone, though it's no surprise I didn't feel her coming with the state I'm in. She's looking at me from the doorway and smiling at me, as if she's glad to see me here. Maybe I don't seem as out of place here to an outsider. Maybe it's only to me that something's wrong.

She steps into the room and pushes the door shut behind her, gently, then pads over and leans against the desk next to me. She looks tired. Tired but happy, and I can't imagine what she's so happy about. I'd ask her but…I don't want to know. A part of me's scared. Scared that she's happy she's just killed.

I don't want her here. I want her to leave…but she's the only person I have. I don't have anyone else to fall back on, she's it. And she's here. She's talking to me, I guess she knows I'm not listening. She's holding my hand and rubbing it, as if to rub some life back into it.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, just to wait a while to leave her. I know what she is, I know I need to push her away, but…I need someone tonight. I don't want to be here in this big house alone. I don't want to be alone. And she's all I have, so it's ok if I lead her on a bit more? That's all I have been doing, isn't it? Leading her on? Using her because she's convenient?

So, it should be ok for me to do that tonight. To not be alone, that's all. Not because it's her specifically, anyone would do.

"Integra," she mumbles, I only notice because she lays a hand on my face as she says it. Her movement seems to stir me into action, and I find myself standing and hugging her. She's so cold. I know why, she hasn't fed in a while and she's been out walking the London streets at the coldest part of the night…but I can pretend that it's only the second part, right, pretend she's human, just for tonight.

She doesn't say anything, but she leans against me, letting me hold her. I wonder if she knows how much I need this? I hope she doesn't. I'd hate for her to see my weakness. But she lets me hold her, and that's all that matters. And I let myself pretend that she's a normal human, even if she is so cold.

I don't know how long we stand there, I think she would have stood there all day if I'd needed her to, but I need to sleep. I don't sleep well in hotel rooms so I'm exhausted. But I need her near me…I don't want to let her go.

There's a simple answer to that, but do I want to stoop so low? Do I want to stoop so low as I take a vampire to my bed, even if I do so in an innocent way? Will she take it in an innocent way?

I think I need it though, so I'll have to ask her. Have to ask her to stay with me tonight. I'm sure she won't refuse me. Has she ever refused me anything?

I draw back slightly and stroke her face. She leans into my hand and puckers her lips, subconsciously I'm sure. Well, why not? If I'm trying to convince myself she's a normal person tonight, why not have one last time. Why not kiss her? Let myself get what I comfort I can.

So I do, hard. And she lets me. Lets me kiss her, moans into my mouth, moulds herself to my body, leans so tightly into me. It would be so much easier to forget it she wasn't so cold. But she's starting to warm up. It's warm in here and the chill of the outside is starting to fade. Not that she's ever as warm as she should be, but still…she might be warm enough for me to better pretend…

"Come on," I mutter, pulling away from her and taking her by the hand. She doesn't think to question me, or at least, if she thinks it, doesn't act on the thought. She lets me take her to my bedroom, changes when I hand her one of my nightgowns, doesn't watch as I change, then gets into bed with me. No words necessary, no excuses or explanations, she just climbs into bed and snuggles under the cover, snuggles up against me, settling her head on my shoulder.

And I hold her, and she doesn't feel so cold now. I can almost pretend this is normal, that I'm allowed to feel what I like for her, that I'm not going to have to leave her in the morning because of what she is.

"Goodnight, Integra," She mumbles, squeezing me tightl. I can hear that she's tired, and she seems content to. And I'll let myself be content too, just for tonight. There's nothing wrong with being happy, even if it's only for one night.

"Goodnight, Seras," I mumbles, then I kiss the top of her head and lay my cheek where I'd kissed. I can't see her, but somehow I know she's smiling.


	16. Best left alone

Before you read any further, this is IMPORTANT. I'm aware that this chapter sounds like the end. It isn't. It sounds it but it isn't. I have a lot more planned for this fic and many more places to take it, I don't want people thinking it's over before it's over.

Title: Best left alone.

Author: T'Pau Silver

Words: 1750

30smiles challenge: #23 Weak hearts

Our recruits are not ready. Some of them, I think, never will be ready. I spent years working to assemble a team of elite soldiers, and now I have none. I have nothing. Well, I exaggerate. Not all out soldiers are inept. We did a little head hunting from the police and the forces. Some of they are actually quite skilled. But we had a hard time finding people who were, of a suitable disposition, not just anyone is cut out to fight evil, and an equally hard time convincing the appropriate institutes to let us have them. Not that we wouldn't have approach the people we wanted anyway, but having your superiors in the army there make it a bit easier on them when we tell them vampires exist and asked if they'd like to kill them.

Or course, a few of my old soldiers are still about. We put out the word and a few of them crawled out of the woodwork. It was good to see them. It really was. Good to see some familiar faces after so long.

But the vast majority of those now on the Hellsing payrole are inept new recruits, plucked from the lowest branches of the military or even from the streets and donated to us. The soldiers nobody else will take. The idiots, the cowards, and the weak.

And we don't have much time. Seras is doing her best but she's loosing and we both know it. Not that she says anything to me. I don't know why, I shall have to have words with her about it because I need to be fully informed, but when she crawls into bed every morning beside me, I know.

I haven't been able to throw her out of my bed yet. I swore that I would. On that very first night, I swore I would. But I can't. I don't know why. I tell myself that I just haven't had the opportunity, the right time hasn't come round, but I'm lying to myself. I've never had to wait for 'the right moment' before, I've just made the best with what I have, and I certainly don't need special circumstances to leave her.

But still, I haven't left her.

I force my attention with some difficulty back to where it was meant to be, on the recruits in front of me. Some of them are fine. Some of them don't seem to know which end of the gun to hold. I've been inspecting all the recruits tonight and this is the last lot. They seem impatient. They've probably been waiting all night. They'll get of after this though I still have hours of paperwork to do.

On top of everything else she does, Seras has been doing a lot of work with the recruits. I don't envy her that, but she's good with them and apparently some of them have made excellent progress thanks to her. One of my old soldiers, Morrison, was commenting on it. He said, he didn't know what's happened to her, but she's like a different person. She's confident and calm and the recruits listen to her.

I wish I know what had happened to her. I'd like to think I've caused the change, that our relationship is somehow responsible. It could just be the fact that she doesn't have Alucard breathing down her neck all the time. He's still of somewhere. Or it could be all the killing she's been doing…

I don't like to think about that possibility.

I let myself watch her for a second. I'm only marginally interested in what the troops are doing, this is honestly more for their benefit then mine. I'm interested in her, though, and since I have a chance to watch her why not use it?

I know I should have left her months ago. I know I should never have encouraged this relationship to begin with. But I did, and there is something here. Something between us.

It doesn't mean I'm not going to leave her sometime, maybe even some time soon…it just means I'll be sad to see her go, when I do leave her. I will miss her, but she does have to go.

The recruits complete their rounds. I clap in approval, as I have done for every other group. The people accompanying me also clap, Morrison and an officer from the navy named Manson. They're both good soldiers so I've given them positions of power. The most important skill you have to learn when running something like Hellsing is how to delegate.

Suddenly, there's a gunshot, and a scream. It takes me a second to realise it was the man who shot the gun who screamed and not someone being hit. It's obvious who did it, his gun is lying on the floor and he's standing there, gawking.

I look round to follow his line of sight. I'd initially presumed he hadn't hit anyone since no-one screamed. I was wrong.

Seras is stalking over to him. There's a bloody mess on her chest. It's not particularly big, any vampire could survive it. The guns are only loaded with normal bullets. They would have been loaded with blanks except part of the drill involved firing at moving targets.

But he's gawking at her as though he blew of half her head. If he had blown of half her head, then he'd know about it. As it was…

I suppose he'd just never shot a vampire before. At least if he's hitting vampires this early in his career he might get somewhere yet.

She stalks up to him, snatches the gun, and bends it in half, then hands it back to him. He looks as thought he wants to run but she forces it into his hands and, too his credit, he doesn't scream again, or run away.

"Learn how to not shoot," she snaps at him, "When you've done that, I'll think about letting you hold a gun again. These are not toys!"

"I'm sorry," he whispers. I want to laugh at him. I know that may sound awful, but I really do. He's quaking in his boots and she's just towering over him. Not that he doesn't have something to be afraid of, I suppose.

"Never, and I mean never, do that again," she hisses, then she turns and storms of back towards the manor. The recruits are stood, gawping. Well, most of them are. Some have stayed how they're meant to, the good ones. Manson steps in quickly to take over, bringing them all back to attention, and Morrison and I leave the field.

We discuss the inspection quickly. We both know what needs to be done, what feedback we will give. Manson joins us after a short time and he agrees with us too. The meeting is over far more quickly then I expected it to be, so I turn to my paperwork.

Then I put it down again, get up and leave the room.

I know, it's stupid of me but I want to see her. I have a little spare time anyway and hopefully she won't have gone out yet. I check my room quickly but it's empty. She won't go in there without me. She says it's still mine and she doesn't want to invade my privacy. Though she's still in every night.

So I head down to her room. Or the room that used to be hers. I suppose it's still hers in the most basic sense, but she lives in my room as far as I'm concerned.

As I suspected, she's there, and still fuming. I step into the room without knocking and shut the door behind me. She looks towards me for a second to acknowledge my presence then resumes her pacing, round and round the room.

I sit down on the side of her bed, calmly, and I watch her. I watch as she paces, I watch as she tenses and glares. It's not a very interesting site, I'll admit, but it beats the hell out of a piece of paper.

"Are you going to sit down?" I ask eventually. So she does. In fact she almost collapses onto the bed next to me, letting out an angry little sigh as she does so.

The bullet is lying on the floor in a puddle of her blood. It looks so innocent, I don't know why she's so mad about it all. I'm sure he didn't mean to shoot her.

"If I was still alive, I'd be in hospital right now," she says, abruptly. I smile at that, then I reach down to stroke her hair. So that's today's problem. Nothing to bring back to you that they're dead like being shot and not dying.

"It's a good job you're already dead then…"

She sticks her tongue out a me, but then she curls towards me. I sigh and kick my shoes off then move so I'm sat with my back against the headboard. She smiles at me and comes over, lying down in my arms and holding me tightly.

We sit that way for a while and I let my thoughts drift. Not to the usual places, thoughts about the work in front of me and how I need to leave her instead, I just let myself remember for a little while. I let myself think back to when things were simpler, let myself pull up some fond childhood memories.

"Thank you," she says, finally, drawing me out of my thoughts. I notice that she's more relaxed now, she was so tense before as she was lying across me, but now she's relaxed a little.

"You're welcome," I say, smirking. She sits up in my lap and moves closer so she can kiss me lightly. I let her. I let her give me small butterfly kisses, all over my face.

Yes, I'm weak. I know I should have thrown her out of my life long ago. I know I should never have let her in. I know I'm going to have to get rid of her soon. But, the hell with it, I care about her and I'm weak. I'm weak and I think I need her. I need to hold her, I need the comfort that gives. I need to know she needs me. I need to be something to someone.

So, I guess maybe I'll hang on to her. Just for a little while longer.


	17. Tear in the fabric

Title : Tear in the fabric

Fandom: Hellsing

Pairing: Seras/Integra

Words: 1154

"You undermined my order!"

She opens her mouth to protest, but looks at me and stops. She undermined my order, my authourity. What is there to say to that? What defence can she possibly have?

It was our first real mission with the new recruits. I was reluctant to take them out so soon, I wasn't sure they were ready, and I was right in the end. But she said they were ready. She insisted they were ready. She was SURE they could handle it, and like a fool I believed her. Why on earth did I trust her opinion on this?

The job should have been simple. I've supervised a million like it before. We knew there was a vampire in the building and some ghouls, it was just a case of flushing them all out. It should have been simple.

Even standing here now, in the safety of my office, Seras standing shame-faced before me, I don't know what went wrong. I don't know how we went from being the attackers to being under attack. I don't know what happened so that three men who's lives were in my hands are now dead.

No, I lie, I know why two of them died.

I froze. When I heard the screams, I froze. I should have acted swiftly, decisively, but in that moment all thought fled from my mind. I didn't know what I do. I was lost. I mean, what could I do? I remember shouting for a status report.

But Seras didn't give me a status report. She barely let me recover from my shock, she just started dishing out orders. That's how I ended up with two more dead men. She gave the wrong order, and even as she said it I knew she was wrong. But I didn't stop her, couldn't stop her. Why didn't I stop her?

And now two men are dead because of her…us…

Me…

I've killed too many of my soldiers, you'd think that eventually I'd get used to it. But I don't. You can never get used to it. Standing at the graveside is never familiar. The brave smiles the family try to put on their faces when they thank you for coming are always different. Sometimes they're just hiding the grief, sometimes they're also hiding the anger.

I'm going to have to go to three more of those funerals now.

She's looking at me, as if she's waiting for me to forgive her. How in the hell can I forgive her? In all this mess about feeling and vampires and killing I'd forgotten a very simple and very important rule, never date your insubordinates. Dating someone under your command is NEVER a good idea, since it seems to give them ideas of power, like she had.

And now three men are dead.

How can she be so calm? How can she be so cold? Three men are lying on mortuary slabs now. Or what's left of three men. These men would have survived if it weren't for her order. If it weren't for my inability to stop her giving those orders.

"Integra…" she says softly, stepping forward a little.

"Stop," I find myself yelling, without even thinking about it. This needs to finish. I knew it would eventually, we were doomed to fail from the start, but it needs to end right now. Before anyone else dies.

She steps back, but she's looking more puzzled now, less sure of herself. Good.

"You are a soldier," I say. I try to keep my voice steady but I'm sure it wavers a little. "Due to…circumstances, you've been given more roles and responsibilities around here then you might otherwise have been given. But you are still just a soldier. You NEVER give orders for me!"

"But…"

"Shut up," I snap, "I don't want to hear your excuse. I bloody well know I'm not blameless in this, but that's no excuse for you!"

She's slumping now, starting to look a little defeated. Good.

"Three men are dead, this is no light matter."

"Arguing won't bring them back."

"If you hadn't overstepped your boundaries they wouldn't be dead anyway."

She winces again. Good, I want this to hurt her. She should be hurting. She should be sick with herself, hate herself even!

"The first one to die," I say, as calmly as I can, "Was called Jason, he was only 18, he leaves behind a widowed mother who has no-one to care for her in her old age now. The second was Charles, he had a wife and two children. The youngest of those children is so young it won't remember him. The last to die was Paul, he had two ex-wives and 5 children."

I'd spend hours with their files, getting to know these men as I couldn't in their lives. I do this to myself every time, I need to know every man who dies for me. Even if I remember everything in the file though it's so dry. What was Paul's favourite food? What did Jason do on a Friday night? Did Charles get on well with his children?

Seras is looking shocked, she's even sat down now. I'm glad. I'm fucking glad. These men are dead! These people are dead. It can be so easy to detach yourself from the human aspect of it and just make them soldiers, but they're not just soldiers. They're people, like you and me.

"Get out," I hiss, "Just…go…I don't want to see you again."

"Integra…"

"GO!" I yell. I can't look at her anymore. I can't talk to her. These men are dead and it's our fault. I need, I need to grieve them, and I need to make sure lessons are learnt from their deaths. This is the most important one. She has to go.

She leaves. I wait until she's had a chance to get out of the corridor then I stand and go to our room, my room again now. She doesn't have many possessions so it's doesn't take me long to gather them all. I leave them on and around a low table at the end of the hall, I don't want them any nearer then that to me. I don't want her any nearer then that to me.

Then I go back to my room. I've brought the folders from my office. The last evidence we have that these men existed for me. I take them over to an old trunk. It's full of such folders, going back right to the start of Hellsing. I don't know why my father did this, but to me, this is my guilt box. This is the place where I put everything that is dead because of me.

I add their files to the newest pile, the first men to die for the new Hellsing institute, and I let a few tears run down my cheeks.


	18. A little pain

Connected chapter 18 – A little pain

Sorry this has taken so long, I've had real life. But, it's here now, and I've done a little restructuring to the 'plot' so it should move a little quicker from here on in at least. A LITTLE quicker.

Thank you to Naolin for beta reading.

Two weeks have passed since…that day. The day our relationship ended. I suppose it's sad that three men died that day under my orders but the thing that marks it out in my mind is that Integra rejected me. I know I should care more about them dying, but they meant nothing to me. Not really. I barely knew them. I'm not like Integra, I can't take every death deeply. I guess I'm just getting to be more of a vampire, I have trouble feeling for most humans.

But I feel for her. That's why I remember what I do. She rejected me. I suppose she was well within her rights to do so. After all, I killed those men, as far as she's concerned.

At first, I thought she'd come around. That she'd realise I didn't mean for them to get hurt. That, really, I wish I could take back those orders, if only for her. That her anger would fade and she'd let me in again. But she hasn't. She seems ever cooler with me now than she was then.

And I miss her so much.

I don't understand why she's pushing me away. I mean, I'm sorry. I've told her I'm sorry, but she doesn't seem to care. I did my best, I did what I thought was right.

And I miss her.

I guess that's why I don't feel sorry for the men who died, I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. Moping.

What if she never takes me back? What am I going to do if she's serious and she really doesn't care about my any more like she keeps telling me? When did she get to be so central to my life? When did it become a case where I can't live without her?

I spend most of my time sitting here alone in my room. I don't want to see her. To be shunned by her. And I will be. Why is she so cold to me? Was it something I did wrong, besides the obvious?

I love her so much.


	19. Revelations

Connected – Revelations

Thanks to Hoppy-chan for the beta read.

"Why won't you give me a chance to explain myself?" I yell at her. How did it come to this, angrily yelling at each other? I'd wanted to have a nice, calm conversation. I'd wanted to explain how I was feeling and to listen to her. Instead we're here yelling at each other. If she'd just listened to me I wouldn't have to yell. If she just cared how I was feeling I wouldn't have to be so mad.

"There's nothing to explain" she says, cool as anything. "It's not anything you've done, it's what you are…"

I thought we were past this. Thought we were over her hating me because I'm a vampire. But, apparently not. Apparently things can't just be simple, we have to fight and argue about this again. If she really cared about me, it wouldn't matter. And I know she really cares about me. She must! If only I could make her understand me.

"There's nothing I can do about being a vampire," I say in what I hope is a calm, level voice.

"I know," she says, calmly. More calmly then me, probably. "And that's why this has to stop." It's so frustrating. I know she still loves me. She must! She can't have been lying to me this entire time, making me believe in her. But now she's stood there, cool as anything, telling me no. I won't believe it. Whatever her logic tells her, she must love me!

"It's not important" I yell again. Surely, it's who I am which is the important bit, not what! I haven't changed that much since I became a vampire. I'm still human, really. I've never embraced a vampiric lifestyle. I don't have to hurt anyone. In fact, all I really want it for her to love me. Why can't I just have that? Why can't I be happy? Because I was so happy just knowing she cared for me. Doesn't she know I'd do anything for her? I even tried to stand up to Alucard for her.

She won't meet my eye. That has to be a good sign, doesn't it? She must feel ashamed for what she's doing to me or she'd be able to meet my eyes and be firm in

her decision. I just need to persuade her. I need to! I need her. What's the point of staying human if not for her?

But if she won't even look at me, how can I make her understand what I'm feeling? How can I make her believe in me? It makes me so angry. I know it shouldn't but it does. The only way I can do any good is by being calm and cool, but I can't. Why can't she just love me? It's all I want. A little love. A tiny amount of affection. Why won't she just love me?

There's...there's something wrong. I'm so wound up and upset I haven't been paying attention and something's changed. I'm...I'm tense. Really tense. It makes me feel powerful, strong, in control. But I'm not. She's looking me in the eye, finally, and she's scared! Scared of me. I mean, there is real fear in her eyes.

She is scared of me.

Why? Why would she be scared of me? Doesn't she know I would never hurt her? I couldn't hurt her, I love her!

But...really…Maybe I could hurt her? I mean, I don't want to and I wouldn't be happy about it and I certainly wouldn't mean to but, am I really in control? I feel almost as if I'm looking out through a haze of pain and I don't really know that I'm capable of. I mean, if I can't control myself, I could theoretically do anything. I could hurt her!

What if I hurt her? The thought of it makes me sick. I would die if I did. I would have to dye. I couldn't go on without her.

I think she's saying my name but I can't respond. I can't trust myself with her. I can't be around her. It's not safe, not safe for either of us! I need...I need to go away. I need to get as far away from her as I can. I just…what if I kill her?

I have to go!

I'm lying on the floor somewhere, I don't know where. It's dark. I don't remember getting here. I remember being in Integra's office. I remember being mad at her, really mad. So mad I don't even want to think about it any more. Then nothing until now. I hope I didn't hurt anyone getting here, wherever here is. I wish I were dead. Well, more dead then I currently am. I am sick. I should be killed. Integra was right to leave me. She saw this in me, I guess, and knew well enough to get out while she could.

I can't blame her anymore. I deserve to be left. I really am a monster. She could never love me, it's so obvious now.

Why do I still love her? This should, really, be the prefect situation. Two days ago, I thought she would kill me. She stood there, her eyes blazing red, her body tense, shaking, staring at me with all this pure hate and I thought I was going to die. Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, she wilted. Then she ran. Just turned and ran away. And she's not been anywhere near me in two days.

This experience should have been enough to take the seed of love I thought I had left for her and crush it. But it isn't and it hasn't. It's just shown me that my feelings weren't a seed, they were a complex and tangled root system lurking below the surface, entwined with everything. I have all the proof I need that she is a vampire capable of evil acts and of directing them at me, even. All my sense of self-preservation should be screaming at me to run, but it isn't.

I'm worried about her.

It should be the furthest thing from my mind, worry for her, but it isn't. She ran off and she's probably realised what she nearly did, just as I have, and I'm worried about what she might do, to herself and others.

Why can't I just stop caring? Why does everything seem to make me think of her? Why do all my thoughts and feelings seem to lead back to her, no matter what I do? If only...

There's no 'if only' for us. There's no way this could ever have turned out well. It's better that she's gone. I know that, but I don't feel it. I don't feel better. I wish I'd never met her but, at the same time, I don't. I don't know what would have become of me in prison if it weren't for her. She saved me. She did a lot for me. But that's just made it harder and more complicated.

I can't even think. This is awful. I need to get it together, for myself and for Hellsing. I mean, on a less personal note, she was doing so much for Hellsing that it's been a real bother with her gone. Especially as Alucard is still awol. It's definitely comforting to have a vampire around the place so you know you're not going to be killed quite that easily. Not that our men aren't getting more and more competent all the time, but they just don't compare.

I think it wouldn't be unfair to say she's being missed here, even by me. Even though if she was here, I'd have to be cold to her. Even though if she comes back, I will have to be cold to her.

I miss her and that hurts.

NOTES -

I want to apologise again for how late I'm being with this. It's terrible. I have no excuse other then October has been a ridiculously busy month for me.

Now, for those of you who don't know, November is national novel writing month ( a writing challenge, the point of which is to produce 50,000 words in a month. I've done this for the last 3 years and plan on doing it this year. I will be writing an original story which will have lesbians in (and ninjas, and lesbian ninjas) so if you want to check it out come along to my journal at http://silvey. Feel free to friend me and I'll update as I write. In with Nano, I generally get a bit of whatever I'm writing at the moment out so hopefully there will be at least one more chapter of this before December, though I can't promise anything.

Wish me luck!


	20. Progress reports

AN - New chapter, sorry if there are any mistakes, no time for a beta read. I have the entire thing printed out and I'm going to take it home and have a read over christmas and see if I can come up with a master plan of action to have it finished before the summer!

Progress report - Integra

The rebuilding of Hellsing is going exceptionally well. The new recruits are proceeding at an exceptional rate, far more then we could have hoped. I don't dare for a moment to say they're equal to the force we once had but, well, they're good men and at least I no longer worry every time I'm forced to send them out that they might all die.

We've had a lot of incidents. The situation really did get completely out of control while I was…away. I don't think we've even begun to scrape the surface of it really, we're still getting reports from all quarters, but we're increasingly able to deal with them. I keep coming under fire from my 'estemed collegues' for not doing enough and not doing what I do quickly enough. They don't seem to appreciate that I'm starting from scratch here.

I appreciate it, though. And I'm proud of my men. We're making a dent, even if it is a small one. As more and more of them move up to standard we're going to start achieving more and more. Obviously recent…events…mean we haven't been quite as effective recently but we'll recoup.

I've been throwing myself into establishing the new Hellsing. Our finds are low so I've applied for further grants. That was fun. Took some of the bastards from the round table out to demonstrate the necessity of our work. I think I suitably scared them, they handed over the money I wanted anyway. It's hard to get funding for an organisation like this, it can hardly appear on any official budgets, but there are always sources and money always goes missing. It's not as though we're the only secret agency the government run.

There have been so many meetings recently, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm rushing from one thing to another, never seeming to stop to breath. Well, I don't feel as though I ever stop anyway. Meetings and business lunches and watching the soldiers train. It's a lot of work.

It's been 15 days.

I don't miss her at all.

Really.

Progress report – Walter

Something is wrong with Sir. Hellsing. I don't know what it is yet, but I intend to find out through some means. She is not behaving in the normal manner. Not at all. She's been, too focused on her work. I mean, she's an incredibly focused and driven women so it's not unusual in itself, but it's nearing the point of obsession. I have to remind her to eat, she wouldn't stop working to do so if I didn't.

She's always a woman who's been deeply dedicated to her work and the fight here, but this is odd. She deliberately seeks out assignments that will take her out of the house. Even at her most obsessive before she found time to relax, to sip a glass of wine or read a book, now she doesn't do that, even.

I can't help but notice that, well, her strange change in mood seems to have coincided with the police girl's sudden departure. I have to admit, this surprised me a little. After all, they weren't close. I'm lead to believe they had been while Integra was in prison however, lately, they seemed to be becoming more and more distant.

It was probably a good thing. I do worry about Integra, I have been her carer since she was a child so it's natural. I know it's not my place but I worry that she doesn't have friends so a part of me was delighted that it seemed to be changing. However, I suppose the police girl was never the ideal candidate for the position. She's a nice enough girl, don't get me wrong. Enthusiastic and thoroughly down to earth for a vampire. But, well, she's still a vampire. I'm afraid I know Integra well enough to know she doesn't function in shades of grey. It's either bad or good. Vampires are bad. I can see the advantages of that mindset in terms of her work. I can see why she needs to think like that.

It would be a bit of a problem to any friendship she might develop with Seras though, really.

Well, we can but hope that the situation will, with time, resolve itself. Hopefully soon Sir. Integra will overcome whatever is troubling her and find happiness again.

Progress report – Alucard

I said I would never last. The police girl could never be anything compared to me. Maybe I should put in an appearance again.

Progress report – Seras

I miss her.

I miss her.

I miss her.

I miss her.

I miss her.

I know how stupid it is to think like that but I don't know how else to think. Why is it that I always seem to lie here miserable when she throws me away? I guess maybe I do have rejection issues after all. And there's nothing I can do to drag myself out of it, this time. Nothing at all. I can't get close to her because, well, I might hurt her. I never want to hurt her. But, how can I control myself around her? I can't. I've proved that already. I'm a danger to her and I need to stay away.

Knowing it's fact doesn't stop me wishing it wasn't. Because I do miss her so much.

I know I should do something. A big part of me wants to work again. I'm almost imagining myself like a white knight. I know Hellsing isn't capable of coping with everything right now, I wish I could help. Some kind of silent assassin, going in and killing everything before they get there, then they have more time to establish themselves.

But…

To be honest, I'm afraid to kill anything. So very afraid. I think, maybe, every time I kill, no matter how good my intentions are, I loose a bit of myself. And I don't have much self to be loosing. I need to cling on to every bit of me I can.

What if I become like Alucard in the end? What if it becomes so I have no morals, all I think of is fighting and killing. I don't want that. Not now, not ever.

I can't trust myself to kill. I'm not allowed to love. I'm worthless. I'm just going to lie here and let myself rot. I haven't moved in…I don't even know how long it's been now. I haven't eaten, not even a little. All my limbs feel like dead weight. I think, if I lie here much longer, it's all going to be over.

I guess that will just be best for everyone.


	21. One step forward

There's fighting going on nearby. I can't see them or hear them but I can feel them. Pieces of shit. Low level scum. Even like I am, I could wipe the floor with them. Even though I can barely move I could kill the lot of them.

I feel my fingers twitch. I'd like to kill them. I'd like to kill the lot of them. Maybe…maybe then I could feel something again. I'd feel the thrill I'd get from killing, at least, even if it isn't the feeling I want most, and I'd be doing good. I'd be helping! I mean, they're worthless pieces of shit. But, they could hurt someone and…and then they'd bother Integra and I don't want anything to do that.

I could just kill them. Just once more. I could just let it go once more. I just want…

My limbs are twitching now. I can't even begin to control myself. I don't control it, the urge to kill, I never did. It controls me. It's like there's two of me, the me I am and the me who's a vampire. And I feel like I'm getting smaller and smaller and the vampire's getting bigger and bigger.

And she makes me taste blood and she makes me want to kill and kill and kill.

Would it be so bad, just to give in? Maybe I'll die quicker that way. I'm sure Alucard would get a laugh out of killing me if I lost myself. And Integra, she could feel validated to have me out of her life. After all, think what I would become.

Maybe I could even give Alucard a run for his money. Isn't that probably what he wanted all along, a good fight?

It would be so depressingly easy just to let myself go. And who would care, really?

Who would care?

But, I know the answer, I would care. I'd like to think Integra would care too but I don't put my hopes on it. But I know, even with everything that's happened, I don't want to be like Alucard. I want…I mean…so much of me wants to fight right now. To go and kill and fight.

What would I be then, though?

I wouldn't be myself any more. I'd be just another vampire. And, maybe I'd hurt Integra. I'm sure I would.

But, what can I do? What the hell can I do? I'm not dying. I should. It's been so long. My body is so brittle. Even now with the rage I feel I can barely move it. But I haven't got any worse in at least a week now. I just don't know what I can do any more.

I can't die, and I won't become a vampire.

So I guess I'll have to fight it then.

I'll have to fight the vampire part of me by not fighting. It's the only way. I won't fight any more. I won't hurt anyone, or anything.

But I won't just lie here either. What's the point of lying here. I'm worthless right now, but if I fight it, if I can win, maybe I can go back to Integra some day.

It's so pitiful. The only thing I've got to live for is the hope that one day I might be able to make her love me again. To be worthy of her love. But, well, what do I have to loose, and Integra's love is something worth fighting for. She's someone I would want to be worthy of.

That I'm GOING to be worthy of.

If I could just move. If I can just get myself of this floor, then I can start. I need to drink some blood, I know that. A small animal, maybe. It's not nice and it won't taste very good but it shouldn't set me off too much.

I will beat this, I swear I will. There's no excuse, I can't let myself become something Integra will hate. Even if I can't be something she can love.

----------

Today I can say we had a real victory. It's been a long time in coming but, finally, a real victory. We paid for it, three good men, but we managed to clean an entire area, finally busting a large gang of vampires with some fairly strong members behind them who were holding up in an abandoned warehouse.

It would have been a lot easier if we had appropriate back-up. But Alucard is still scarce. He's not up to anything, I'd know if he was, he's just not here. That's fine by me, I have to admit.

But we did it. It was hard work but we've really achieved something here today. We cleared the area totally. And I'm very proud of my men. I could not have asked them to work more efficiently or professionally.

I gave them tomorrow off, I'm going to meet with some people from an American firm about some equipment. Then…I'll have to find something to do.

It's been 32 days now, not that I'm keeping count.

I still don't miss her.


	22. Suffer

It's too hard. My entire body aches so very much. How am I meant to do anything like this? I can barely move myself, how am I meant to catch something to feed? I'd tried. I've tried and I've tried. Nothing moves, though. I'm terrified that someone will find me and mistake me for a corps (or, well, a corpse that isn't still aware anyway). Maybe they'll cut me open then bury me and I'll be trapped like this forever in a coffin. Maybe they'll be merciful and cremate me. I wish I had some idea.

It's so ridiculous. There are rats scampering over my feet. Just one rat would be enough. Just one and I could drag myself and catch more. And then I could start to move again. Start on my plan.

At least I've had time to formulate a proper plan, while lying here in the dust with the rats. I know what I need to do now to get what passes for my life into some kind of order. If I'm going to take back my life, I need to live it. I need to start acting like a real, live person. I need to get a real job and make friends and that kind of think. There's no wonder I was loosing my humanity in a situation like Hellsing is now.

It's an awful thought but I'm probably better staying away from Hellsing, and Integra. Hellsing only encourages me to kill, and killing isn't good. It's not good at all. Integra, well, she makes me love her. But she doesn't love me back.

Maybe, some day, I'll be ready to face it all again. But, I need to learn not to be a vampire again. I need to learn not to kill or hunt. I need to learn to be a normal human being.

And all that would be a lot easier to achieve if I could drag myself of the floor to make a start. I can't even take the first steps towards being redeemable if I can't even move.

I'm so worthless.

I can barely even move my eyes now, so I can't look around. I can still hear, but all there is to hear are the rats, scampering around, and I can't even hear well enough to tell where they are. I could at first. It was like a game. I would hear them, then work out where they were from the direction of the sound. But the great sense of hearing was a vampire thing, and as I've let myself waste away, my powers have disappeared.

I can't even get together the strength to close my eyelids.

What a mess.

Whatever happens, I'm sure as hell not going to this to myself again. Next time I decide I really need to die, I'm going to kill myself outright. None of this indirect bullshit. Silver bullet to the heart.

Suddenly, there's something on my face. The hell, something on my face? I can't even look at it, but it must be a rat. Crawling over my fucking face. I can feel it's fur brushing against me. If I hasn't so useless I'd be giggling by now, or screaming. All I could do was pray to hell it didn't piss on me. There are a lot of humiliations I can take in life but lying helpless while a rat pisses on my face, not one of them.

Then, suddenly, a taste in my mouth. Vile, awful taste. But with no input my jaw snaps shut and the rat is caught between my teeth. It's disgusting. The feel, the taste. I must look pretty damn awful lying here, but it feels so good at the same time. After so long, even rat's blood tastes like wine. And I can move again. I can feel my hands twitching. I move my eyes and shrug my shoulders and slowly begin to peel myself of the floor, the rat still held in my mouth.

The other rats look at me, as if wondering how such a scrap of a body can be moving, I don't give them time to get over their shock, reaching out and grabbing one in each hand. The others scamper away but that's fine. I'll have no trouble catching more now.

Once the rats are all drained and lying on the floor, useless, I stand, wobbly, and flex my muscles. As well as being foul the rat's blood is less then nutritious, I'm going to have to drink a hell of a lot of it before I'm in any state to leave here, and that's not as nice thought at all. But at least I'm on my way.

It's been a slow week. Things are running very well. My solders are becoming more and more competent each day. The situation is increasingly coming under our control, though there are still a lot of problem areas to be addressed. We have ample funding, our equipment is the best available, we, for once, have good diplomatic relations with nearly every other relevant organisation.

It's almost enough to make me wish for a disaster. I need to stay busy, to stay focused. I need to keep my mind on what I'm doing and keep it from wandering, and that's hard when I'm not doing anything.

I tried reading, but I can't focus. I read the same page three or four times but I don't take any of it in. I tried watching a movie, I couldn't even tell you what it was called. Music washed straight over me. Shooting, while it did take all my attention, we short-lived and my accuracy was down.

I don't know what else to do with myself.

I patrolled the grounds and everything was in order. I've spoken to my commanders and everything is fine. I even tried contacting Alucard but the bastard doesn't want to know. I wonder when and if he'll come back.

There has to be something to do in this wretched place. Something that can keep my mind busy. I have to keep my mind busy or else…

Or else…

It's been 39 days and I don't miss her. Not at all.


	23. Insomnia

My apartment is dusty, has it really been that long since things started going to hell? I haven't been back here in, it seems like forever, but I'm glad it's here. Even more so that I keep a spare key under the plant pot outside the complex even though the landlord was always telling me not too.

It's familiar and I let myself relax for the first time since…

I stumble across the room and collapse on my bed, sighing. The feel of the blankets under my skin is familiar and welcoming after spending so long lying on the cold ground. My entire body still aches and I haven't had enough to drink but I needed to get myself of the streets.

I'm a mess. I know I need to wash up and eat something more substantial then rats and then I need to think, really think. Think about what I'm going to do with myself now I've dragged myself of the floor. It was easy enough to think positively when I felt so awful but, once I start to feel good again, is there any way I can carry on like that? I just don't know.

But, all that can come later. I only just missed the sun and I haven't rested properly in days between my own paranoia that finally, now, when I've just managed to find the resolve to go on living, I'll die, and the hunt to find enough blood to get me moving, there's just been no chance.

I should go and get some blood now. I know there's a pack in the fridge, it's probably of by now but I guess even that's better then nothing, I won't be able to go outside in the light anyway. I guess there's nothing for me to do right now but sleep. I'll take on the world tomorrow.

Why can't I sleep? There's no reason I shouldn't be able too. It's been a busy night. I'm exhausted, and haven't slept properly in days, but I still can't sleep. I keep thinking about her. Something must have happened, to keep her away so long. Surely, surely she'd come back. She's always been like a bad penny before, you try to get rid of her but you can't. Why hasn't she come back?

I wonder if she gave in to it, that vampire? Maybe that's why she hasn't come back. Maybe in a few months we'll be fighting her. I hope we don't, I don't think I could stand it.

Or maybe she'd fighting it. Is there even a way to fight this? I wouldn't like to guess. I don't know what she could be doing about it. She left everything she owns here, and it's all still here. I checked…

Why do they make beds so big?

I keep rolling over in my sleep, like I'm reaching for her, then waking up thinking something is wrong and realising the only thing that's missing is her. It's completely stupid of me but I can't help doing it every night and I'm almost at my wits end. Is it worth all this? Is it worth torturing myself over her? And if I did want to apologise could I even find her?

I guess I couldn't so it's all academic anyway.

If she is trying to get help, I don't know what I'll do. What if she shows up on my doorstep tomorrow and tells me she's not going to kill any more so can't we put the past behind us? I don't know what I'd do. What I'd feel, what I'd say. She'd prove me wrong about everything.

But, I can't be wrong. There can't be a way to stop it. Even if she said she had, how could I believe her when it's patently impossible to stop being a vampire at will. Isn't it?

Why can't I just get to sleep?

It's been 42 days. Maybe I miss her a little.


	24. Epiphany

The butcher was oddly cheerful to see me. Got me some blood in no time at all. I wish life was always that easy. He even said he'd missed me and gave me one of those little winks. I know he thinks I'm mad for coming in and buying blood and never anything else, but he says I'm not the oddest he's ever met.

That's irrelevant. I know it. Completely useless. I'm sat in my flat at the table, staring into space. What the hell am I going to do with myself? For now I have enough money put aside to live, but eventually I'm going to have to do something. I know I can't live as a vampire. I need to live as a person. But I'm not sure I even know how to do that any more.

I did it once, I know, so it much be easy enough. I mean, I know the first step will be to find a job. The problem is finding one that's only nigh-time hours. Maybe a bar job. I'd be more then happy to work every Friday and Saturday night and my admittedly sketchy recollection of friends bar jobs in the past is that's what they want.

I'm not sure though. All that stress and around all those people. And drunks aren't normally the nicest people in the world so there'll no doubt be fighting. I guess the only consolation would be the alcoholic's blood tastes like piss. Not that this animal stuff tastes a hell of a lot better.

It seems like there's no winning.

I wonder what Integra would do if I went running back to her?

I need to keep busy. This is getting ridiculous. I only had two hours sleep yesterday. Today isn't looking like it will be much better. I've tried to go to bed three times already but found myself up again each time with a book or needing a cup of tea. I'm lying here now but I just can't sleep. Maybe I should go for a walk or something, wear myself out then I can sleep.

I let myself slip out of the bed again. It's ridiculous. The bed itself seems too big without her in. I'm such a mess.

I pull the wardrobe over, intending to find something to wear to go for a quick walk, but stop. There's a box lying in the bottom of the wardrobe.

There's a brief distraction for me. The things I brought back from prison. I'd shoved it all back here, forgetting about it…more like not wanting to confront it. But now's the perfect time. There are a few small personal items in there I've been missing anyway.

I pick up and a carry it to my bed. It's only a small box, and half empty. Familiar keepsakes are quickly pulled from the box and set on the side.

I'd almost forgotten. The letters. They're brought suddenly to the front of my mind as I see them lying there at the bottom of the box. How could I have forgotten? Of all the things I'd gone through in prison, how could I have forgotten this? That I'd got myself into a situation more or less like this one before and how I dealt with it. Though it dealt with itself in the end.

It's easy to tell the envelopes apart, though they're unmarked. One is light, the next not so much so, the third is heavy.

I should just burn them. I should have just burn them as soon as it was obvious they were not needed, but sitting here with them in my hands I know it's not an option. Before I even think about it I find myself opening the first envelope, the thin one, and removing the slip of paper. Just the name of the prison. My cold letter. I pick up the second one for a while, the next thickest. I know this one was the middle ground. The one that said "come to me if you like, I wouldn't mind".

Then the last letter. My catharsis. The letter that was never meant to be sent. The one I should have burnt. The one I shouldn't read.

But, it's too late. My nervous fingers have opened the envelope already and the letter's layed out in front of me. Five pages. How could I have forgotten it. It's a mess, thank god I never sent it. The ink is smeared with tears and there's crossing out and tearing all over it.

What was I thinking?

There's only one way to know. I pick up the first sheet and begin to read.


	25. Resolution

The knock at her door broke her sleep and Seras found herself sitting up, blearily. What kind of person comes knocking on your door at 3 in the afternoon? For a minute she was tempted to just lie down and go back to sleep but then the knocking came again and she stumbled to her feet and towards the door, automatically.

As soon as she got the door open, she froze. The person she least expected to see in the world stood in the doorway looking at her almost desperately. For a second she was horribly aware of how awful she must look, half asleep and in an oversized novelty t-shirt, but before she could think further or act she was being held, crushes tightly.

"Integra," she mumbled, almost in awe. Then she reached up slowly and returned the embrace, trying to control herself. If she let herself go and hugged as hard as she'd like to she'd break bones and that wasn't the way she wanted this to go.

But…what? What was this? Why was this happening? She'd been thrown out. She'd committed an unspeakable act and been so scared, too scared to even go back herself to try to make things right. Not that she hadn't been thinking of it, even earlier today. She didn't really know how to live alone any more. But, still.

She wanted to ask the other woman why she was here. She needed answers, really. How could she be expected to function without them?

But, questions would only spoil it. Wasn't it better to enjoy the moment, to let things be as they were for a minute? After all, in a moment, Integra might come to her senses and walk straight back out the door.

Slowly the arms around her began to loosen and Seras pulled back a little so she could actually look the other woman in the eyes. She didn't get much of a chance though as Integra pressed forward quickly and kissed her, almost desperately, and there was no chance of thinking while that was going on.

Eventually, the kiss ended and Integra pulled back, finally letting Seras get a look at her. She didn't look too good at all. She looked exhausted, really. Seras reached over and ran a hand down the side of her face without thinking. Integra moved to say something but she interrupted.

"You should get some sleep, we can talk in the evening…"

For a moment, once she realised she's just interrupted, Seras wanted to flinch away, but it passed when Integra smiled at her and held her again, whispering "thank you" into her ear.

Seras took a minute to lock the door while Integra stripped to her underwear and slid under the covers, then Seras followed. It was much harder for them both to fit in her tiny single bed, but Integra didn't seem to mind her snuggling close and she was more then willing to take advantage of that, if need be.

She barely even had time to enjoy it before she fell asleep.

Integra had never been one to sleep deeply or for long so she wasn't surprised to find Seras still asleep next to her when she woke. It was nice. It had been far too long since she'd woken up next to someone else, she'd missed it. Missed the feeling of connection.

She quite quickly saw the downside of the arrangement though. She'd have liked to have a little time to think, now she'd actually had a chance to sleep, before being engaged in conversation, but was a little wedged in, and couldn't think here. Not to mention, she needed to get out of the bed for…other reasons.

It took a feat a acrobatics for her to get out of the bed, first pushing herself up on her knees, then straddling Seras for a moment (where she wasn't afraid to admit she stayed for a second, looking down at the other woman's body below her) before kind of rolling of and onto the floor. Somehow, Seras slept through that, or at least gave the impression of it, and Integra stumbled to the bathroom.

She finished up quickly and found herself stood looking in the mirror. Why was she here? Was this a mistake? Should she just run like a coward before Seras was awake enough to confront her about it? She knew even as she had these thought they weren't ever going to happen. The reasons she'd come here were genuine, she wasn't going to be able to go on like this, something needed to be done.

Or, more accurately, she could force herself to go on like this but she didn't want to. Her reasons were worthless, or easily altered. Or so she wanted to believe.

Drawing a deep breath she went back out of the bathroom. Seras had rolled onto her back but still seemed fast asleep. That was fine for now. She scooped up the shirt she'd thrown on before leaving the house yesterday and put it back on, fastening just a few buttons to cover herself, before hunting for some tea bags. She found the tea but no milk and soon found herself sat at the table, black tea in hand, watching Seras sleep and wondering how long this would go on.

Not long, in reality. Before she even hit the bottom of the cup Seras began to move. First rolling over, throwing an arm out, then a pause where she went tense, then suddenly she sat up and looked around. As soon as she saw Integra sat at the table she let herself relax again, smiling.

It didn't take long for Seras to run through her morning routine, chatting as she did about inconsequential things. Neither of them were willing to deal with the big issue yet, being themselves. Instead they talked about the new recruits and Walter and the best way to eat pancakes and if you should put the milk in before or after the hot water when making tea. Integra took the chance to root through her clothes and find her cigarettes and light one. It was undoubtedly the best way to start the morning.

All too soon, though, they were sat across the table facing each other. Integra found herself wrapping her hand around the cup in front of her, as if it was a shield.

"I guess we should talk," Seras said, almost looking sad, and tilting her head to the side.

Integra nodded, but then she stood up. She knew what she had to do. She knew what she'd come here to do. If this was worth having another go at, it was worth giving her all. She walked to here her jacket had dropped the night before and rescued the letter from the pocket, then walked over and held it out to Seras.

"I wrote it in prison," she said by way of explanation, as Seras took it from her, "the time when you couldn't find me."

Seras nodded, then opened the letter. Integra had the immediate urge to run. Within that letter, she was laid bare. Stripped and splayed out in all her nasty selfish needy glory for Seras to read. The things about that time she'd never meant to admit, that she hadn't been supposed to feel. She didn't run, but she couldn't watch either. Instead she found herself turning and looking out of the window, finishing her cigarette for something to concentrate on. Seras had opened the curtains when she'd fallen out of bed. There was nothing interested to see but it was better then watching Seras' face as she read the letter.

She was just about to give up hope when, suddenly, there were arms around her waist, and a face pressed into her shoulder. She hadn't realised how tense she'd been until she felt Seras against her back, a reassuring weight.

"I love you too," Seras mumbled into her shoulder.

For a moment they let it hang, content with the world and the truth out in the open. They loved each other. Whatever else was between them, there was love too. They both appreciated that it came at no small cost to Integra to share that love, and that made it all the more precious.

But, as all moment, that one had to end. Seras pulled back, taking a step away.

"I know," Integra said finally, "is it going to be enough though? I mean, it doesn't change anything, does it? You're still a vampire. You still nearly killed me."

"I know," Seras whispered, her hands balling into fists and a tear running down her cheek. "I'm sorry, I was wrong. But we can change things. There's no reason we can't. I want to. I want to try to fight this…I mean, maybe we should sit down?"

Integra nodded and turned, returning to her chair. She was a little shocked to see Seras' eyes were red and there was new tear marks on the paper, but it made her feel a little gratified too.

"I, I want to try to live like a normal human," Seras said, her voice low. "You were right about everything. I was letting it take me over, and that's not what I want. That's not who I am. So I'm going to fight it. Fight, being a vampire. I'm not sure if I can but, I want t try."

"I understand," she sighed, leaning back in the chair. It was quiet. What did she say other then she understood. If Seras wanted to be normal, maybe it would be better for her to walk out of the door right now and for them to never have anything to do with each other again.

"I can't do that without you," Seras said. Integra looked up sharply, and her gaze was met immediately by Seras, tears still running down her face but her expression serious. "I want to do this for me, but I also want to do this for you so, please…"

"Where does this leave us?" Integra asked, leaning forward and sighing.

"I don't know…" she mumbled, "Even if I say I want to be normal, I think it might be impossible for someone like me. But I can't fight any more. You understand that, right?"

"I understand," she said simply. Then she stood and walked round the table to stand in front on Seras. "Come back with me. You don't have to fight, there are other things to do. We'll be more careful this time. I need you, it's worth one more try."

It's over.

I just want to take a minute at the end to thank everyone who's been reading this. It's been two years today but it's finally done. It's especially like to thank Kya. Without her I'd probably have dropped this entire thing long ago. But, to everyone who's read, and especialy those who have commented, thank you.


End file.
